Monday, March 22, 2010

Get used to being alone

Here it starts... for the next three weeks, I will be a single mother. With the exception of the weekends. I think that most think it's a sad thing. At first, I thought the same thing. I have decided thought that this is a time to learn, and adjust. In seven months Dave will be leaving for a year. Going into this Army Life I know that these days were coming. It really never is a thought though till it starts to happen.

So many people have had to say good-bye to their husbands these last few weeks. It is so sad and seems so hard. It beings tears to my eyes to see those deployment pictures and see them at this time. I know though that I can help them even if I have never done a deployment. I know that I can keep them as busy as possible, and offer my services as much as possible.

I am going to take this next three weeks as a learning experiance. Learn to do things with just me and the kids. Learn to cook for just me and Dallas. Learn to get both kids into bed and sleeping with no help, but most importantly, I am going to find ways to relieve my own own stress without needing to get out of the house. I need to figure this whole "new way of life out" before it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I know that it does not matter what I can do on my own, I will miss my husband so very much this week and all next year, but the more that I can do on my own the better.

This way of life is not for everyone. If you can not do things as a single parent, then forget it. If you need your husband and family for everything, and do not make friends well, you will have a tough time.

So if you are coming into this life or thinking about it, you better learn to cowgirl up ladies. The army is not a place for weak men, OR weak women. You can not feel guilty about needing your hubby all the time. I know that no matter what happens you will need to be weak, and you can be. There is a time in this life that you can be weak, but only for a short time. Today I am going to look up and learn what i need to before it's too late. I will smile and look at the stars , knowing that is the best connection to Dave, and be there for my kids. THINK POSITIVE (even when it's easier said than done.)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The call~

I got it, it came, it was scary. I have been waiting for this for a long time now. Many years to be exact. Mostly since Christmas. I knew when I went home this year that this may be the last time we can spend Christmas with her. It never really hit me though. She has been so sick on in the Nursing Home since I was about 11 or 12.

I was sitting at my computer yesterday when my Auntie called me. She said she had just has a meeting with my Grandmas care takers. She said it was not great news. I can't even tell you all the things that she has been dealing with all these years. There is always something she is fighting. If that's not enough she lost her husband not long after going into the Nursing home.

It appears that with this new discovery of Breast Cancer, she is not hanging on well. She refused to take the Chemo, because in the past it made her too sick. So, the gave her a chemo pill. Now she is refusing that. It makes her sick and gives her sores in her mouth. (i do not blame her for not wanting to keep taking them either.) They said that she is at stage 4 breast cancer, and that means if they can lower the dosage on the pill and can get her to take it she may have 6-12 months. If she continues to refuse it , maybe 3-6 months.

22 Years living there, I am gone for 7 months and this has to happen. I am just not sure what I should be feeling. I feel more numb than anything at this point really. I am not mad at her, she has been sick so long. I know that a person can only fight for so long, and at this point I don't know that she really has much to fight for. What really bothers me is that she is asking for me. She knows that I would be there now if I could and I would stay there til she was ready to let go. with this Army lifestyle I know that's not an option. I know that I need to go, and be with her one more time. If I don't I can't say that I can be happy with myself for a long while afterwords.

My grandma has done so much for me over the years and to have to say good-bye is better than not saying good-bye at all. I am lost in these emotions. I have so many great memories with her, that I will always treaure near my heart as I have all these years

For now all I can say is; she is sick and tired, and tired of being sick. I do not blame her at all for wanting to let go. In the mean time I am trying to figure out a way to get me there

Monday, March 15, 2010

When Stress Hits you....

Today has been the weirdest day to start. Yesterday was daylight savings, and it messed us all up bad. My oldest slept till 10:30 this morning. So to start the day there is no nap in future. As I was thinking about all things that I need to do, I soon realized that since we got into the Military my days have changed so much. I used to spend my days with one child, not two. Playing outside, going to grandma's and auntie's houses. Thoughts about dinner were so simple, and outside of those thought's there was not much more to worry about.

Since we moved to Kansas though there is not thought about what family members we will be visiting today, and thoughts of dinner never come until 4:30, sometimes later. This life is so crazy, but yet I have no complaints. I miss all that is back home. I like how this life consumes me and fits me. Although it is stressful with the FRG sometimes, I do not think that I would trade it.

I have really heard nothing but horror stories about people and the FRG that they belong to. I have seen them fall apart at the seems and be nothing but drama. I wonder what people who had to walk into that from the start did. Without the wonderful people that I have meet and have worked with in our Family Readiness Group, I cannot imagine anyone having to move. What if someone has to leave? Worse yet what if we have to go. I know thatday will come. I know that someday I am looking at a deployment, but I must think positive. I must know that it has been a pleasure to meet these people. If I can only be with them for the time that I have I must remember that I would like that more than not knowing them at all.

Everything that I have learned in the last 7 months, all the people that I have meet. They have all Impacted my life in some way or another for the best. They have brought out things in me that I never knew that I had. Strength, love, a bond to people that some may never have. I am so lucky to have been given this chance, a chance at this life, and these people. I count my blessings everyday. All the while missing what was left behind back home.

I know that no matter what happens in the future these people will be there for me even if they are a million miles away. I know that the people back home are always going to be there for, like they have all these years, and they will be there when I get back. I feel so lucky to have all of this!!! I think I might burst at the seems.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

What did that baby do???

Yesterday, after playing a great game of BUNKO with my army wives, I can home to a quiet life. I was laying there with the husband and the baby. Dallas was sleeping in his room. There a very loud knock at the door. I never answer the door when my husband is home, that's why he is here right? No one ever comes over unannounced. When he looked out the peek hole, he looked worried. When he opened the door there was the Junction City Police Department standing there. He had asked if we had seen anyone anything in the woods behind our house, Our names, birthdays etc. I naturally invited him in and answered all the questions. Then I stepped outside the back door, and there is was. A crime scene, complete with tape, police cars, camera, and people running all over.

Anything could have happened, i mean anything. Until they started to take out the big yellow evidence markers (yes just like the ones in CSI.) My mind was racing with all the things that could have happened and what my family could be in danger of. I had put together all the questions that he asked. I hit me like a brick wall!!!! They were asking if I had seen any pregnant woman, and they told me that I had nothing to worry about. The cop said that my kids and I were not in any danger. Someone ditched there baby. I didn't talk about it to too many people, I didn't really know if it was true.

I made it a point to watch the news tonight at 10:00. My thought had come a reality! Why would someone do that! What are they thinking! There is more options than that.... I mean come on people there is so many people that are trying to have babies and you leave that baby in the woods, the river, and let it die. That baby had a life to live, and if that mother could not provide the life it needed, someone else could have.

They say that they know who they are looking for, and I hope they find her. I hope that she never has a chance to do this again... and justice is served for that baby. That baby could have found the cure for cancer someday. This baby was full term and ready to go!!

So here is a moment of silence for the Windwood Drive baby. May you be at peace, and find love where you are. May you enjoy your life there and fly high with all the angels. You are safe now, you are loved, and I am sorry for what happened to you.....

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Life before the Army

Dave and I met in High school. We didn't start dating until graduation. We had our fun days, and he proposed to me three months later. A month after that I was pregnant with the first boy. He was born May 2007. We were married Aug 2007. He worked various jobs all the way through. We had a great support system there back home, and close to most family. In Late Oct 2008 I found out that I was pregnant with the second. In Feb. 2009 Davey was in Fort sill Oklahoma for his Basic and AIT. Late July 2009 I had the second child. 2 weeks later we were bound for Kansas to be part of the Army family.
We have now been in Kansas for 7 months. Davey has been doing so good here. He just his his 2nd promotion and made Soldier of the month Feb. 2010. I can not wait to get outta this apartment. All in though I like the great friends that I have made here and all the great opportunities that I have had so far. We miss home and the family that is there. We know though that they will still be there waiting when we get there.