Confused, frustrated, sad, feeling unorganized and running out of time QUICKLY! Those are just a few of the things I am feeling.
He said he was deploying in Jan. But it never really crossed me as to how fast Jan. was going to be here. I feel like it came the next day! Now we are down to a week give or take. These are times I want to stop the clock. On top of that, he is not even HOME. They had him working 12-16 hours days before Christmas, and now working normal days. Although I am grateful that he had 14 days of Christmas leave, it really doesn't feel like it.
It doesn't scare me to think that he is not going to be here to do household things, or to help with the kids. It scares me that I know the kids will ask where he is. I have explained it to Dallas, but he just says OK. I know he does not really understand what is about to happen. I know that I can make it a year without him. The problem is that I do not want to! No one should have to do without their spouse for 12 months. It does scare me that I will have no clue what he is going through over there or even where he is or what he is doing. It scares me that he will not be here for the boys birthdays or Christmas. I think it will be really hard to celebrate something when the one you love is not there.
Looking back on to last year, I never thought twice about it being the last birthday, Valentines day, Halloween, etc for awhile.
Now being an army wife, It is something that you always just tuck into the back of your mind. You put it away for later when you need to use it, but until then he is here. Its not really something that someone wants to think about. I am not sure that there is even anything that a wife could do to be fully PREPARED for something like this.
I will struggle, I will be sad, I will be hurt, and lost at times...but i know that i can do this. To make sure that I do, I need some goals and things to keep me busy.
Here they are.
1. I will get more organized. Papers, clothes, toys etc!!!!
2. I will Finnish High school online and study hard.
3. I will learn to sew more complex things.
4. I will keep the kids busy and keep them learning.
5. I will start to eat a little better and make sure the kids do the same.
6. I will work out
7. I will not let this take me down... I will keep going.
8. I will not sit around and do nothing for 12 months
9. I will not... no matter what happens LIKE 2011.
10. And I will not promise that I am not going to sit in the middle of my living room and cry some nights!
11. I will miss him like crazy!
12. I will let the boys listen to their recordable books EVERY NIGHT
These things should keep me going a little and to know that if i work really hard I can get theses things done while he is gone. By doing these things, I know that I will feel like a well accomplished person by the time he comes home!!!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, October 25, 2010
When family comes to your house
I know for those that have had company while in the military, you know what a big deal this is. Its not your family coming for the day to hang out. They are coming for at least a week. They want to see all of post, and do all those fun things that you have found since you have been here. They want to shop and see things that they have most likely never seen before. For some this may be lame since you have all already seen it before. To me though, it brought me back to when we first got here and when I first learned my way around post and the surrounding areas. It was so much FUN. There have been many things that I have looked forward to since we have been here. Concerts, days out, the park, coffees, cookie exchanges, unit and company BBQs, Birthday parties etc.... But i think the thing I anticipate the most is when family comes to visit. There is nothing sweeter. You start to look and them and think about how wonderful they are to have taken time out to come and see you. How much you must really mean to them. Even if they save up a whole year and can only come a week, I am not sure that you ever know what a great feeling that is, until you go through it.
All the cleaning and preparing is nothing when you think about how much fun you are going to have, and how important you are to someone. Aside from that, we know not everyone can come and see us. Many do keep up with phone calls and facebook. We understand, but I want you to know that if you have family in the military that you are very close to and you are missing so much..... SEE THEM i know the economy sucks and money is tight, but its really not to bad if you are at least in driving distance. You never know when they will be stationed somewhere farther and much harder to get to.
There is more that i want to add as well. When my family came down last week, something else i learned was from the wonderful lady that accompanied my aunt here. So for Betsy whom is a close friend to our family, I thank you. Not just for coming and seeing us, but for always checking on us, for taking time out of your life and away from your husband to come. For leaving your house and animals to come and see mine. For driving and volunteering your vehicle to come here. for making this trip possible for my aunt. And most of all for loving and caring enough to do what you did for all us. So from all of us, we thank you!
All the cleaning and preparing is nothing when you think about how much fun you are going to have, and how important you are to someone. Aside from that, we know not everyone can come and see us. Many do keep up with phone calls and facebook. We understand, but I want you to know that if you have family in the military that you are very close to and you are missing so much..... SEE THEM i know the economy sucks and money is tight, but its really not to bad if you are at least in driving distance. You never know when they will be stationed somewhere farther and much harder to get to.
There is more that i want to add as well. When my family came down last week, something else i learned was from the wonderful lady that accompanied my aunt here. So for Betsy whom is a close friend to our family, I thank you. Not just for coming and seeing us, but for always checking on us, for taking time out of your life and away from your husband to come. For leaving your house and animals to come and see mine. For driving and volunteering your vehicle to come here. for making this trip possible for my aunt. And most of all for loving and caring enough to do what you did for all us. So from all of us, we thank you!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Colton my baby
Colton
You are the baby of this house. You bring light to me everyday. You make me smile and laugh. You amaze me with all that you learn and the things you teach me. You are walking, using a sippy, clapping, waving, you say hi, give kisses and high fives. You are one of many blessings in my life.
You are so playful, and smart. Being with you everyday makes it all worth while. I watch you and your brother play all day and hope that someday you grow to be wonderful friends. That you watch out of one another, and that you do something amazing with your life. I hope that I can give you the right tools to get through this crazy life.
I hope you always know how much all three of us love you, and even when daddy is away he loves you very much. We will be always be here for you! I can't wait to watch you grow another year and be able to write all the things you learn leading up to your second birthday.
Happy first birthday my baby!! Hope all your dreams someday come true!
Love your mommy, daddy, and big brother
Sent via BlackBerry by Whitney Johnson HHC 1-16 co-leader 2187802995
You are the baby of this house. You bring light to me everyday. You make me smile and laugh. You amaze me with all that you learn and the things you teach me. You are walking, using a sippy, clapping, waving, you say hi, give kisses and high fives. You are one of many blessings in my life.
You are so playful, and smart. Being with you everyday makes it all worth while. I watch you and your brother play all day and hope that someday you grow to be wonderful friends. That you watch out of one another, and that you do something amazing with your life. I hope that I can give you the right tools to get through this crazy life.
I hope you always know how much all three of us love you, and even when daddy is away he loves you very much. We will be always be here for you! I can't wait to watch you grow another year and be able to write all the things you learn leading up to your second birthday.
Happy first birthday my baby!! Hope all your dreams someday come true!
Love your mommy, daddy, and big brother
Sent via BlackBerry by Whitney Johnson HHC 1-16 co-leader 2187802995
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Bam!!! Reality check
Tonight I watched army wives, like every other Sunday. But this one was different, it was sad, it was hard.... But most importantly it gave me a reality check. I have yet to do a deployment. I have yet to experience the feelings of that void.
I know that the show is not what the real army is and if I would not have started watching it before we joined, I would have never started for that reason.
I can't really explain how ready I thought I would be, and how many times I tell myself it will all be ok. What I have forgotten to tell myself, is that it can happen anytime. That no matter what we are in the middle of in our lives he could have to start leaving. I knew during NTC that he would only be gone a short time and that moving would be on me. I was ready for that. I was ready to prove myself and get it done.
What I saw tonight was in a very short time things could change. No matter who's birthday, anniversary, wedding, travel plans, moving, medical issues.... Anything and it could all be thrown on me all while dealing with him leaving. I don't doubt myself that I couldn't do it, but I know I wont like it. I know that no matter how many times I have to say goodbye to him in the future, its never going to be easy.
No matter what we are doing, or where he is he is still my husband whom promised to be there in sickness and health, better or worse, richer or poor....but that was all given up.
You should have to renew your vows when you join. They should say that he will be there when he can, not when he wants or you think you need. He will be here when your medical issue qualifies as an emergency which is dictated by someone other than you. That when you want to talk to him you must wait for him to call.
I know that the show is not what the real army is and if I would not have started watching it before we joined, I would have never started for that reason.
I can't really explain how ready I thought I would be, and how many times I tell myself it will all be ok. What I have forgotten to tell myself, is that it can happen anytime. That no matter what we are in the middle of in our lives he could have to start leaving. I knew during NTC that he would only be gone a short time and that moving would be on me. I was ready for that. I was ready to prove myself and get it done.
What I saw tonight was in a very short time things could change. No matter who's birthday, anniversary, wedding, travel plans, moving, medical issues.... Anything and it could all be thrown on me all while dealing with him leaving. I don't doubt myself that I couldn't do it, but I know I wont like it. I know that no matter how many times I have to say goodbye to him in the future, its never going to be easy.
No matter what we are doing, or where he is he is still my husband whom promised to be there in sickness and health, better or worse, richer or poor....but that was all given up.
You should have to renew your vows when you join. They should say that he will be there when he can, not when he wants or you think you need. He will be here when your medical issue qualifies as an emergency which is dictated by someone other than you. That when you want to talk to him you must wait for him to call.
Anyways I came across something else whole ratteling me brain with all of this. And guess what I came up with!!!! I can do it. Why not? Many do. And the other thing I like that is said too often..... Your not alone!!! What a statement. What honest to goodness truth. The only thing I actually trust when the army says it!!
So here it is!
When and if this is something we have to deal with, we will do it! Our family is a team and we will make it even a thousand miles away. We can make it work like we have made everything else work. Its all part of life and learning
I love you PFC Johnson and if we ever have to go through this, we will be ok. We will think about you all the time and we will miss you every second. BUT until then he is mine after NTC, and we will make the best of it!!!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Somewhere tonight....
Somewhere tonight, there is a women missing her soldier. She misses his laugh, his smile, is energy, is voice. She misses his silence, his presence, his heater like ability in the middle of the night. She is missing his things on the floor, his dishes in the sink. Snoring at night and the blaring alarm at the crack of dawn. She misses her backseat driver, and the couch cuddling. Cooking big meals and washing his uniforms.
She knows that he is working. She is aware that this is the life they chose. Even knowing that the time apart is not forever, nor even very long.... it feels that way. It feels like he has been gone forever and has forever to go before he comes back.
She is aware that this time apart is nothing compared to what some people go through, or what she may go through with him in the future.
She reminds herself why she does what she does. No matter where her soldier may be, there are still kids here to feed, dress, bathe, and play with. She knows there are still bills that still need paying, and a house that still needs dusting. She knows why he does what he does, and why she does what she does.
With everyday that goes by she knows she is becoming a stronger person. At the end of everyday she looks back on all that she has done and smiles. When she sleeps she dreams only of his face and his voice. She replays his coming home over and over in her head. The things that they will talk about and the things they will do. For this particular wife, she will be proud of all the things she has done and all the changes in the last month.
None of these things make missing him any easier. It just gives her the ability to talk to her way through it. Even if she is talking to herself.
To my soldier and the millions of others that are scattered all around the world, no matter how long you have been gone, or will be gone, know that you are thought about all the time. You are missed every minute of everyday. You are respected, and make your families proud. You are a hero & We are still here being the rock we promised to be.
I love you PFC David Johnson.. I miss you all the time, and I can not wait till you make it home and we can start a whole new way of life. In a new home!! in a new place!!!
She knows that he is working. She is aware that this is the life they chose. Even knowing that the time apart is not forever, nor even very long.... it feels that way. It feels like he has been gone forever and has forever to go before he comes back.
She is aware that this time apart is nothing compared to what some people go through, or what she may go through with him in the future.
She reminds herself why she does what she does. No matter where her soldier may be, there are still kids here to feed, dress, bathe, and play with. She knows there are still bills that still need paying, and a house that still needs dusting. She knows why he does what he does, and why she does what she does.
With everyday that goes by she knows she is becoming a stronger person. At the end of everyday she looks back on all that she has done and smiles. When she sleeps she dreams only of his face and his voice. She replays his coming home over and over in her head. The things that they will talk about and the things they will do. For this particular wife, she will be proud of all the things she has done and all the changes in the last month.
None of these things make missing him any easier. It just gives her the ability to talk to her way through it. Even if she is talking to herself.
To my soldier and the millions of others that are scattered all around the world, no matter how long you have been gone, or will be gone, know that you are thought about all the time. You are missed every minute of everyday. You are respected, and make your families proud. You are a hero & We are still here being the rock we promised to be.
I love you PFC David Johnson.. I miss you all the time, and I can not wait till you make it home and we can start a whole new way of life. In a new home!! in a new place!!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Short Seperation
In the world of the army wives there are times when you are all alone. Times when he is called to work or train somewhere else. This is happening to us right now. Dave is away training for the whole month and the rest is up to me. Kids 24/7, all the housework, all the cooking, all the appointments etc. I know that he will be home before I know it. I know that there are plenty here that are going without their loved ones for 12 months or more. I think about how lucky we are, to be able to do something like this short trail before he just up and leaves for year.
I have decided that I do miss him even though he has been gone only a few days. He is my husband and even if he is gone to work for the day I miss him. It's just part of the job. I am sure that some out there are very depressed and just counting days till they get home. I am counting, but only in my head. I am mentally prepared for him having to stay a little longer than we thought, as that is what the army does best.
I have made up my mind and make this whole "being apart" period to challenge myself. I have been taking the kids out all by myself. I am just proving to myself that I am stronger than I think. I am working with the kids the best that I can to get them to do things, like loose the nook and to use the potty. Can you imagine what a great feeling that would be to get all that done in the month that he is gone. There is not much that I have done in my life that is rewarding, besides the kids. Dave decided when Dallas was born that I was going to stay home and that is how it has been since.
This is really something I can make myself proud over and prove that I can do it. Not just for me, but also for the kids. The kids can make a person crazy, I am not going to lie. The way that I have decided to channel that energy and frustration is to put it all into playing with them, taking them out when I can, AND workout at the end of the day.
This may seem silly to most as I know that he is not going to be gone that long. He was gone for longer when he was in basic and AIT. I had family than though. It was nothing like it is now. Yes, I have great friends here and they help when they can, but I would rather do it on my own. They have families that they are tending to as well. This is all me.
Since we moved here we have been doing everything as a family. It has been a great feeling. Buying everything that have got here and the big electronics, we did that all on our own. When we were back home sometimes we had to borrow money from family to get us through the week. It's not that we make more now, we just know how to manage it better. It is really a great feeling to not have to depend on others and to know that you can do it on your own. SO that is what I am going to do, all while missing him.
My soldier is my hero and I am his rock. Together we are a team and together we can do anything. He is always in my heart no matter how far away he is. We are a team and we are one. I love you PFC Johnson and I can not wait till you come home again!!!!
I have decided that I do miss him even though he has been gone only a few days. He is my husband and even if he is gone to work for the day I miss him. It's just part of the job. I am sure that some out there are very depressed and just counting days till they get home. I am counting, but only in my head. I am mentally prepared for him having to stay a little longer than we thought, as that is what the army does best.
I have made up my mind and make this whole "being apart" period to challenge myself. I have been taking the kids out all by myself. I am just proving to myself that I am stronger than I think. I am working with the kids the best that I can to get them to do things, like loose the nook and to use the potty. Can you imagine what a great feeling that would be to get all that done in the month that he is gone. There is not much that I have done in my life that is rewarding, besides the kids. Dave decided when Dallas was born that I was going to stay home and that is how it has been since.
This is really something I can make myself proud over and prove that I can do it. Not just for me, but also for the kids. The kids can make a person crazy, I am not going to lie. The way that I have decided to channel that energy and frustration is to put it all into playing with them, taking them out when I can, AND workout at the end of the day.
This may seem silly to most as I know that he is not going to be gone that long. He was gone for longer when he was in basic and AIT. I had family than though. It was nothing like it is now. Yes, I have great friends here and they help when they can, but I would rather do it on my own. They have families that they are tending to as well. This is all me.
Since we moved here we have been doing everything as a family. It has been a great feeling. Buying everything that have got here and the big electronics, we did that all on our own. When we were back home sometimes we had to borrow money from family to get us through the week. It's not that we make more now, we just know how to manage it better. It is really a great feeling to not have to depend on others and to know that you can do it on your own. SO that is what I am going to do, all while missing him.
My soldier is my hero and I am his rock. Together we are a team and together we can do anything. He is always in my heart no matter how far away he is. We are a team and we are one. I love you PFC Johnson and I can not wait till you come home again!!!!
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