Starting the fall

So it's fall! Kansas has been pretty good about the weather and I've been terrible about posting. With the weather, it seems like some people's attitudes are starting to fall as well. It is reaching the end of the deployment and so I can see where nerves start to kick in. I am getting that way myself. 3/4 through this and you start to think about what it's all going to be like. I'll hit on those emotions and what I mean another day.
For today I figured I'd just let you up to speed. Davey is back out in the field and he loves it. He just called. So when he is happy, so am I.
Dallas has been doing good at school but I've not gotten Colton into daycare as much as I should. I noticed that last night. I dropped him off for a meeting and he didn't like it to much. He got over it lol. We will change that. I can always use a few more hours to myself.
I've been managing to get to my school work done little by little each night. I'm proud of myself. I've pulled straight a's. So that's a good thing. I know it's not always hard it's just hard to actually keep up. Tonight I had a 2 hour movie to watch. Which is fine, except it followed with 5 questions. Like really??!!! 2 hours for 5 questions. You would think that they could have summed it up a little better. I was so frustrated with that. In the end I got a 100% so I worked out. After I swore at the computer for about 20 minutes then I felt better. Nothing like looking like an idiot cusin out an object. Good thing no one was here to witness it.
A funny thing happened once. I had a large spider behind my tv and called my friend to come and help me
Kill it. I don't do spiders. So we didn't know how to kill it. I gave her a can of hairspray. Lmao. Well in the end it was stiff as a board and dead. So today she had a friend post on her Facebook page " I tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He is still alive, but his hair looks fantastic.". It was so funny. And a total relief that we are not the only nut balls around.
Aside from that the battalion work with Daves unit is picking up. Poster making and figuring out all the homecoming details. A ball is also in our future. It will take a lot of planning, but I'm sure will be so worth it after words. Aside from that the guys deserve it for all their hard work, and so do the women that got this far! Also planning the re deployment briefings and financial briefings. That's really exciting. I truly thought at this point, I'd be in the nut house!!! Glad im not. They would never let me leave for sure. Though there are many days I question my sanity and ability to make it any farther. But I'm still kicking.
I think that's the latest.


God took the strongest women and paired them up with soldiers.


Have a good night

Yeah I am still here.....

Yeah I know I have just kind of disappeared for awhile. You all wanna know something though? I'm still here, 100+ days after the day he left, I am still mostly in one piece. SO guess what people, though it may feel like your just going to melt away in a puddle of nothing when he leaves, I am living proof that it's just not true.
Though I will say I have a few things that I wanna say tonight. Topic 1. this whole Osama thing. Yeah, you all knew it was coming didn't you. Well the first thing I think about it is that it finally got all the attention of Will and Kate LOL. I know it was a happy time and every girl wants to be a princess, but that was an overload. The sad part is OSAMA took that attention away from them. I want to first say that I am proud to be an American. I know that I am safe here and I sleep in peace knowing this. I am SOOOO proud of the men that were able to pull off this operation. Though his death is a great thing, why do I feel like people are forgetting what else can happen at this time. I feel like people forget there are so many men and woman still in their country at this time. If we just pissed off the wrong people then they may try something else to all the wonderful Americans they have access to. I know there is no perfect ending to this whole thing. I just don't feel much like it's time to celebrate just yet. NO I'm not a selfish person, I know that this brought peace to many families that lost someone on 9/11 and the families that lost a loved one fighting since that day. I am happy for them. The more i think about what and how to say all that I want to, I don't know there is way that others will understand. I;m just worried is all. I feel like were still not at the end, just in the middle at this time. The danger of this scares me right now.
Topic 2. OH MAN I want this deployment to be done..... only like forever left. I can't wait till like the half way point at least. I don't think I will be happy till R&R is over. I know that saying good-bye again is going to be so hard and more so for the kids. I hate to have to send him off again. I also want it to be known that at the same time, though this may sound bad, I do not mean it that way, but I want to soak up this deployment. I know that sounds just dumb. AND now your like WTF is she talking about. It's apparent that I miss my soldier and that I want him home, but since I know that day is not coming anytime soon, I want to learn and grow as much as I can before he comes home. Most of all, I know that when he comes home many of us will have to leave this post and move on with lives back home or somewhere else in the military. We can't stay here forever. I was happy to come to this post and meet new people. As I learned the ropes of an Army Wife, I saw all these many wonderful things. Deep down I know that all things must come to an end, but I just don't think about that as much as all the good things. I'm just not at all ready to even think about good-bye. No matter where we go in our military career, or even if we get out, this will always be my real army family. There is no other group like this one, and I know that already. These will be the group that I always miss. The one I will think about 30 years from now when I think about my Army life and the people I met. The ones I WILL never forget. So I hope that we all can get out and have as much fun as possible till all the guys are home safe.
The 3rd topic:
Is not really a topic as it is a lesson. SO, You know when someone is going through a rough time, and you feel all these things for those people. You want to reach out and help them in any way that you can? Oh come on I know you all reading this are not cold hearted people, you know what I mean. You hurt for them, and you wonder what might just put a smile on their face even for a second. So then you think about something even small that you can do for those people, but then you decide not to because you think it's dumb, or that they won't care, or that it may hurt them more than make them better..... I've been there as well. More than one time. Most that know me though know that I have to help, that's who I am. Well, this one time, (I won't get into the exact detail) I knew a family that lost a loved one. Someone that I also knew pretty well. When I was thinking about what I could do I wrote them a letter. I cant even tell you now what that letter even said. I just knew it explained how I knew the one they lost and what that person meant to me. I never heard anything back. I kind of forgot about the letter until tonight. Until a family member found me and thanked me for it and asked me to keep in touch. She let me know what it all meant to her family. THAT was like the highlight of my day. (and that's saying a lot since I finally got my tabs and plates from Minnesota and can now drive the truck I am paying for LOL) Seriously though, I am proud of what I did that day like 8 years ago. From now on when I want to do something nice or helpful for someone, I am no longer going to second guess myself. I really hope this is a lesson for all of you as well. Even the smallest thing can make the biggest difference. I've made a small mark on this family for 8 whole years. Over the smallest gesture, that at the time I though was nothing. With that said, I am happy for the things I did that day, I am estatic that I mailed that letter and I am grateful that even though it was hard, it was in a way helpful....
I also learned something else today. I will never neglect my blog this long again. Because this is just too much in one blog LOL. So I'll be back soon... yeah that's right people HIDE

Day 18.... TOUCH

I know that it has been awhile since I last posted. Not that I have not wanted to. There was just nothing going on. I have spend the last 3 nights online at night with my husband. Its been great. I have gotten to get some pictures of him on there and he had been able to get some that i send him. That way when and if he ends up with no internet in the near future, he has those saved on his computer to still look at for now.
You know so many said that nights were the hardest, and i was like why!!! Now i get that most often they are at work during the day so you are not used to him here. But I normally do the dinner thing, and then we put the kids to bed, and watch some tv, and then when we go to bed, he faces the other way and I watch tv. He turns so the light does not bother him from the tv. These people were not kidding, but were wrong about the night time. It's not that I only miss him at night time, I just think about it more at night. I think about how long I have to make it before he can hold my hand, kiss me, hug me.... Hearing he loves me is a great feeling. Don't get me wrong, I embrace the internet and the time I have had with him online. To me though, hearing he loves me is just not the same without a kiss.
It's not the same at night to fight over the covers, or spend the first half of my morning cleaning up the pt's that are in a trail from the door through the kitchen and up the stairs. We are slowly adjusting. The thing about a year deployment, is it is way to long to try and stay in the same routine, and it's not forever so once i get this new routine, he will come home and I will have try to get back to the old ways. It's going to be difficult. This is all part of this life. I think knowing that some people could not do this is enough to be proud of myself already. Not just me, but the great friends I have. They are all doing a great job! I think we have all had the bad days, and we have all had amazing days that include a 3 am phone call, letter, picture, or internet chat.
I can not imagine going through a deployment and never getting anything more then a letter every three months. Like in the old days, those wives of veterans are more than super wives. I can not even imagine how those woman kept from having mental breakdowns. They had much less then we do now, the communication was none, and the money was not great either. (not like it is a fortune now, but it's enough to get us through.)
So, I think more than anything its the physical touch that is just really hard to deal with. Along with the saftey of not just my soldier, but the friends me and Dave have made who went along with him. We pray for the safe return of them and think about them all day !!!! I love you David :)

It was only peanut butter !!!!

I was at the commissary yesterday without the kids. I was going about my list, just doing my thing. I made it as far as the black olives. For those that do not know the Fort Riley Commissary, there about the 3rd thing you see when you walk in. So behind me walks a mother with her two younger girls. I think the youngest was about 2 and the oldest about 4-5. I saw her stop at the penut butter (which is the first thing that you get to when you go to the commissary) and then started to walk without getting any. It took about 2 seconds for her older daughter to Jump up and say "MOM, you forgot to get daddy some penut butter! What will he do for lunch?" I wasn't looking at her until her little one said that. I thought it was cute, she wanted to make sure daddy got what he wanted at the store. So when I looked over I notice her mother crying. Not hard. Its those tears that just kind of sneak out on you. She said on hunny, and grabbed a can of penut butter. It's then that you realize her husband is not here and most likely just left.
It made me think about how often I have short little water work parties of my own. I sometimes never even stop to think about what it is that sets me off. It's the little things. I can be driving in the car and just think about something that he said to me that was super funny, or seeing a soldier and his wife. They never last more than a couple seconds and it is only ever a couple tears that get by. But, as I was going about my day today, washing dishes, I think I get it. Its not really MISSING him like some would thing. Like I am falling over the edge over him being gone a few days. I post things on FB about him and how much I miss him. Now don't get me wrong I miss HIM!!!!!! But, this is not the first time he has been gone. It's the simple fact that we are barely started with this, and its no where near over. I cry for my family here with out him and for him not here with us. I cry for the struggles he will have to endure without me and those that I have to do without him. Up until this point our lives have been nothing but working together. Were not allowed that anymore. Your family is really not a family when your husband leaves for 12 months.
As for the Lady at the commissary, I didn't say anything. Some people now are thinking, what a big MEAN person you are for not trying to talk to her, you going through the same thing. I didn't say anything because like I said they were the little tears, and she wasn't like crying hysterically. Saying something would most likely make her think more about it, and cry more. It would have made things worse. I don't think I would want someone to say something to me either.

Deployment.... until I see you again. DAY 1

So i had to take Dave to the Company EARLY this morning. You know there have been so many times in the last few weeks that make me think, this is the last time we can do this for a long time. So I have been soaking in everything and cherishing the moments that I had left. When I made the choice to take the kids with me at 2am and sit with him until 6 this morning, I was worried. I was scared that the kids would not make it, and that I would have to leave earlier than I wanted to. I wanted to stay until they told me I could not stay anymore. I didnt want to miss a moment that I could have had with him. Aside from me, I wanted the kids to have as much time with him as they could get. At least this way when they start to ask about him later, I know that they had all the time they could have had. Its one less thing that I wont regret.
I saw a lot of wives bailing early, and it made me think at times that they may have the right idea. Maybe I was dragging this out more than I needed to. I kept going back and forth between it being wrong and right. I finally thought to myself that everyone is different and some families have a different understanding than my family. It was right to stay and I am glad that I did stay till the end.
This being the first deployment that we have come to, we did a great job preparing. I have gone through this house all morning and can not find a single thing that dave forgot. On top of that we have done things for the kids like get them each a recordable book that dave had recorded in. I also had Dave make a recording on the Video camera for the boys, and one for me. Since we are freezing his phone line, I thought about how many times I might just need to hear his voice. If I freeze his line I cant call his voicemail to hear it, so we both recorded a message on my phone. We have been telling the kids about it since before Christmas, and I think Dallas really understood last night. Power of Attorney is all taken care of, and all the papers that we should need are in order. I truely think that we are as prepared for this as we can be.
I can also say there were times there this morning when I was regretting not just getting a sitter for the kids, and having dave say goodbye to them before he left. In the end, even through the rough times the kids had there, they turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I cried saying bye in the company while holding dallas. He did nothing but lighten the mood. He made my face do squishy face and laughed with me. When it was time to leave, I had my moments on the way home as I cried and fell apart a bit all the way home. Who am I kidding, it was not a little, It was a lot that I fell apart. When i reached the house, the tears stopped and I knew it was time. It was time to shut off the water works, and get my kids into their nice warm beds. It was like effortless to pull myself together to get that all done. I fell asleep just fine with the help of being awake for 21 hours.
When Dallas got me up this morning at 11, I felt so HUNGOVER! I had a headache and I felt like my head was DRYIED out to the max. I was so tired still my eyes burned. I had a wonderful friend that came over shortly after bearing Starbucks and conversation. I was ok to tell her what it was like. I feel a lot better now. I know that this is going to get harder. At this point I sort of feel like he is just at work and should be home this afternoon, or in a day or two. It will hit me more and more as time passes I am sure.
It's not just seeing my husband leaving that tears me up. It's all the others too. The soldier and wife that were there this morning with a baby that was only a couple days old. The tears in his eyes that he was fighting as he held and kisses his new bundle of joy. To see Dallas and Colton with Dave for the last few moments. To see all my friends husbands there as well. To know that I am not the only one effected by this time. All my friends are! It makes me sad to know that most of the people that I have come to love here are also hurting just as much as me.
Without these wonderful people, I may not get through this. I am so glad to have such a wonderful army family, and family back home that is so supportive of our life! We are all army wives. Some of these people have done this a million times, for most of us this is the first. It doesn't appear to get any easier as time passes, or as many times as they have to go. What I need to remember is not only what great things my husband is doing for this country, what a selfless thing he is going to do, or how much time and training he has had to do this. I need to remember that this is what I am trained for. This is my job as an army wife. This is my selfless act, to give up my husband when duty calls, and just like Dave, This is my time to shine. It is my time to prove that I can do this for as long as I need to do it. To do just like Dave and keep going no matter the amount of sleep, or lack or wanting to do something.... I can and I will!!!!

2011...... I already hate you!

Confused, frustrated, sad, feeling unorganized and running out of time QUICKLY! Those are just a few of the things I am feeling.
He said he was deploying in Jan. But it never really crossed me as to how fast Jan. was going to be here. I feel like it came the next day! Now we are down to a week give or take. These are times I want to stop the clock. On top of that, he is not even HOME. They had him working 12-16 hours days before Christmas, and now working normal days. Although I am grateful that he had 14 days of Christmas leave, it really doesn't feel like it.
It doesn't scare me to think that he is not going to be here to do household things, or to help with the kids. It scares me that I know the kids will ask where he is. I have explained it to Dallas, but he just says OK. I know he does not really understand what is about to happen. I know that I can make it a year without him. The problem is that I do not want to! No one should have to do without their spouse for 12 months. It does scare me that I will have no clue what he is going through over there or even where he is or what he is doing. It scares me that he will not be here for the boys birthdays or Christmas. I think it will be really hard to celebrate something when the one you love is not there.
Looking back on to last year, I never thought twice about it being the last birthday, Valentines day, Halloween, etc for awhile.
Now being an army wife, It is something that you always just tuck into the back of your mind. You put it away for later when you need to use it, but until then he is here. Its not really something that someone wants to think about. I am not sure that there is even anything that a wife could do to be fully PREPARED for something like this.
I will struggle, I will be sad, I will be hurt, and lost at times...but i know that i can do this. To make sure that I do, I need some goals and things to keep me busy.

Here they are.
1. I will get more organized. Papers, clothes, toys etc!!!!
2. I will Finnish High school online and study hard.
3. I will learn to sew more complex things.
4. I will keep the kids busy and keep them learning.
5. I will start to eat a little better and make sure the kids do the same.
6. I will work out

7. I will not let this take me down... I will keep going.
8. I will not sit around and do nothing for 12 months
9. I will not... no matter what happens LIKE 2011.
10. And I will not promise that I am not going to sit in the middle of my living room and cry some nights!

11. I will miss him like crazy!
12. I will let the boys listen to their recordable books EVERY NIGHT
These things should keep me going a little and to know that if i work really hard I can get theses things done while he is gone. By doing these things, I know that I will feel like a well accomplished person by the time he comes home!!!

Get used to being alone

Here it starts... for the next three weeks, I will be a single mother. With the exception of the weekends. I think that most think it's a sad thing. At first, I thought the same thing. I have decided thought that this is a time to learn, and adjust. In seven months Dave will be leaving for a year. Going into this Army Life I know that these days were coming. It really never is a thought though till it starts to happen.

So many people have had to say good-bye to their husbands these last few weeks. It is so sad and seems so hard. It beings tears to my eyes to see those deployment pictures and see them at this time. I know though that I can help them even if I have never done a deployment. I know that I can keep them as busy as possible, and offer my services as much as possible.

I am going to take this next three weeks as a learning experiance. Learn to do things with just me and the kids. Learn to cook for just me and Dallas. Learn to get both kids into bed and sleeping with no help, but most importantly, I am going to find ways to relieve my own own stress without needing to get out of the house. I need to figure this whole "new way of life out" before it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I know that it does not matter what I can do on my own, I will miss my husband so very much this week and all next year, but the more that I can do on my own the better.

This way of life is not for everyone. If you can not do things as a single parent, then forget it. If you need your husband and family for everything, and do not make friends well, you will have a tough time.

So if you are coming into this life or thinking about it, you better learn to cowgirl up ladies. The army is not a place for weak men, OR weak women. You can not feel guilty about needing your hubby all the time. I know that no matter what happens you will need to be weak, and you can be. There is a time in this life that you can be weak, but only for a short time. Today I am going to look up and learn what i need to before it's too late. I will smile and look at the stars , knowing that is the best connection to Dave, and be there for my kids. THINK POSITIVE (even when it's easier said than done.)