Memorial day

I fully understand the meaning of Memorial day. It's not really about those that are serving or have served. It is about those that made the ultimate sacrifice while serving their country. I have to say that this is one of many great holidays that I am so proud. I am proud to be an American, I am proud to be part of the land of the free, I am eternally grateful for those that lost it all to protect me and my kids.
I feel for the families that are now without. I know that I complain that my husband is gone right now. I often don't take into consideration those wives and kids that can't wait for a phone call, or can't anticipate a coming home. When I think about the future, I can't see it without Dave. I think about how our coming home will be and what we will do when he gets home. I dream of the feeling and sense of relief I will have. The ability to breathe again, and not have to worry all the time.
I think about things like what he and I will be doing in 5 years, and how our kids will be as they get older. I wonder how much it hurts the kids to not have daddy here for the next 8 months. I wonder what their little brains think about the whole situation. I wonder how they will react when they see him.
I forget that people have to give that up, all for the country. They have to continue to explain to their kids what happened to daddy. Little kids don't really know what kind of a hero their soldier was. all they know is they are not there and they don't know why. Knowing that I have to be without my husband for one year seems like nothing compared to those that thought the same thing, and then never got their loved one back.
I am not oblivious to the world around me. I fully understand that I could end up in this situation, but it's certainly not something that I want to think about. I don't like the thought, and it is kind of one of those things where you think "that's not going to happen to me." I guess not think that, but hope that it never happens.
Truth in the matter is, it doesn't matter how old you are, how smart you are, what color your skin is, married or single, fit, high ranking, low ranking, great marksmen, or the best of the best. Shit happens over there that people don't even want to know about. It happens to many many people all the time. It has been happening for a VERY long time. It will happen for a long time after today as well. It's a sad reality, and my heart hurts for all those lost.
They may be lost, but they are never forgotten. I pass the Post cemetery all the time on post, and each time it hits a place in my heart. I choke all the time that I am driving by. At the same time, I am proud. I don't look at a soldier here as a soldier, they are all heroes outside of their homes. It doesn't matter who they are or what they do in their free time, when duty calls, they are right there all the time to answer.
There are not many people that would sign up for something, knowing what the outcome might be. I mean think about it. I know that if someone said to me, well you can do this, but you might not ever make it back. I would walk away. I have a fear of death as most people do. It's not often something that you can control, or know the outcome of. The only thing these soldiers know, is this is what they want to do, and this is what they stand for no matter the future. That alone is a noble quest. It takes a lot of courage to do what they do.
So today as i go past the cemetery, I will stop, and take a moment. Not to mour those that have not made it back, but to give thanks. I will be grateful. For all those many men and woman that have lost it all for me and my country. When I see the flags on the graves, I know that I will be sad, and again feel for the families that are now left without, I will fear in the back of mind that this could be me someday. But there will be nothing more fulfilling than giving a few moments of my time to honor those resting in peace there.
For this point forward, I plan to stop there more than just on memorial day. These wonderful people should be honored and appreciated more than one time a year. SO I will now stop as often as possible and I hope that others start to do the same. TO make sure those that those that are gone are really never forgotten. You don't have to be close to a soldier to realize what they have done, and what they have lost. I mean in reality, they did it for you.

Yeah I am still here.....

Yeah I know I have just kind of disappeared for awhile. You all wanna know something though? I'm still here, 100+ days after the day he left, I am still mostly in one piece. SO guess what people, though it may feel like your just going to melt away in a puddle of nothing when he leaves, I am living proof that it's just not true.
Though I will say I have a few things that I wanna say tonight. Topic 1. this whole Osama thing. Yeah, you all knew it was coming didn't you. Well the first thing I think about it is that it finally got all the attention of Will and Kate LOL. I know it was a happy time and every girl wants to be a princess, but that was an overload. The sad part is OSAMA took that attention away from them. I want to first say that I am proud to be an American. I know that I am safe here and I sleep in peace knowing this. I am SOOOO proud of the men that were able to pull off this operation. Though his death is a great thing, why do I feel like people are forgetting what else can happen at this time. I feel like people forget there are so many men and woman still in their country at this time. If we just pissed off the wrong people then they may try something else to all the wonderful Americans they have access to. I know there is no perfect ending to this whole thing. I just don't feel much like it's time to celebrate just yet. NO I'm not a selfish person, I know that this brought peace to many families that lost someone on 9/11 and the families that lost a loved one fighting since that day. I am happy for them. The more i think about what and how to say all that I want to, I don't know there is way that others will understand. I;m just worried is all. I feel like were still not at the end, just in the middle at this time. The danger of this scares me right now.
Topic 2. OH MAN I want this deployment to be done..... only like forever left. I can't wait till like the half way point at least. I don't think I will be happy till R&R is over. I know that saying good-bye again is going to be so hard and more so for the kids. I hate to have to send him off again. I also want it to be known that at the same time, though this may sound bad, I do not mean it that way, but I want to soak up this deployment. I know that sounds just dumb. AND now your like WTF is she talking about. It's apparent that I miss my soldier and that I want him home, but since I know that day is not coming anytime soon, I want to learn and grow as much as I can before he comes home. Most of all, I know that when he comes home many of us will have to leave this post and move on with lives back home or somewhere else in the military. We can't stay here forever. I was happy to come to this post and meet new people. As I learned the ropes of an Army Wife, I saw all these many wonderful things. Deep down I know that all things must come to an end, but I just don't think about that as much as all the good things. I'm just not at all ready to even think about good-bye. No matter where we go in our military career, or even if we get out, this will always be my real army family. There is no other group like this one, and I know that already. These will be the group that I always miss. The one I will think about 30 years from now when I think about my Army life and the people I met. The ones I WILL never forget. So I hope that we all can get out and have as much fun as possible till all the guys are home safe.
The 3rd topic:
Is not really a topic as it is a lesson. SO, You know when someone is going through a rough time, and you feel all these things for those people. You want to reach out and help them in any way that you can? Oh come on I know you all reading this are not cold hearted people, you know what I mean. You hurt for them, and you wonder what might just put a smile on their face even for a second. So then you think about something even small that you can do for those people, but then you decide not to because you think it's dumb, or that they won't care, or that it may hurt them more than make them better..... I've been there as well. More than one time. Most that know me though know that I have to help, that's who I am. Well, this one time, (I won't get into the exact detail) I knew a family that lost a loved one. Someone that I also knew pretty well. When I was thinking about what I could do I wrote them a letter. I cant even tell you now what that letter even said. I just knew it explained how I knew the one they lost and what that person meant to me. I never heard anything back. I kind of forgot about the letter until tonight. Until a family member found me and thanked me for it and asked me to keep in touch. She let me know what it all meant to her family. THAT was like the highlight of my day. (and that's saying a lot since I finally got my tabs and plates from Minnesota and can now drive the truck I am paying for LOL) Seriously though, I am proud of what I did that day like 8 years ago. From now on when I want to do something nice or helpful for someone, I am no longer going to second guess myself. I really hope this is a lesson for all of you as well. Even the smallest thing can make the biggest difference. I've made a small mark on this family for 8 whole years. Over the smallest gesture, that at the time I though was nothing. With that said, I am happy for the things I did that day, I am estatic that I mailed that letter and I am grateful that even though it was hard, it was in a way helpful....
I also learned something else today. I will never neglect my blog this long again. Because this is just too much in one blog LOL. So I'll be back soon... yeah that's right people HIDE

POA=Garbage

Alright, I am going to try not to babble on and on and on about this whole thing....but its hard to stay quiet when i am so mad about it. Not just mad but frustrated!
It was my understanding before my husband deployed, that your POA or Power of Attorney was your most sacred posession while he was gone. Thinking on those terms, I figured what else do I need? Yeah, well for all you people out there that think that, don't get slapped in the face as I have been.
When Dave left we both agreed it was way past time for a new car. One that we trusted to take to Minnesota and back. So we gathered up the power of Attorneys and off he went for his 12 month camping trip in the sand.
I went test driving and started to find the things that I liked and didn't like about vehicles... I got the tax money for a down payment.... I was set. You can imagine how shocked I was when I started to talk about financing a car, and they told me they do not accept the POA!!! Are you kidding! "ma'am we are sorry, but we do not take just a POA anymore. We have been burned by too many spouses that bought a car with it and then left the soldier before his return and the soldier was stuck with the payment." Well, alright what else can I do. Some places told me they can send him a contract to sign and then he can send it back. How about NO. He doesn't have outgoing mail. However he does have email from time to time. can you email it? No we like to send it. Back to square on 1 I go....laaaa deee daaa
I have been going in circles for almost 2 months now looking for a place that will work with me in my situation. So DO NOT believe the ones that tell you that they are locally owned and always willing to help...that's if your non-military I guess.
To make a Long frustrating story short, what the hell is a POA good for. Can you really deny it? it's a legal piece of paper! I mean I know it allows me to access his accounts at the bank.... but lets be real here people. We have been married 4 years. I know all his information, and if you don't think I can sound like a man on the phone you have got another thing coming! They don't personally know him, they don't know what he sounds like. So what if I sound silly. They can't pass judgment. So if I can't make purchases with it, and i already have a way to get everything else done, it sure seems like just another piece of paper to me.
I am shocked that people are so quick to turn us down. In this day and age, with the economy the way it is, I would prefer to make a sale to someone I know is going to have a steady paycheck for the next 3 years.... vs BOB who has a good job now, but who knows what his employment status will be when the ecomony takes another turn. Come on people what the hell happened to supporting your troops. The last thing my soldier wants to hear is that there is no one willing to help is family while he defends the country that is free! Come on people! Help a person out.
So here is to hoping that I find that one person that has a big heart and is not just in it to make a quick dollar. That one random person you run into from time to time that knows what you must be going through and is willing to help you. If not for the soldier, and not for his spouse, how about for their kids that want so bad to go back home for a little while and see family!

Always here

Sitting around this evening, missing my soldier. Realizing all that he does to help me. Knowing full well there is no place I would rather him be than here with me. I started to notice that he is everywhere.
When I put away clothes, his are always right there. When I walk up the stairs, his pictures hang...all the way up. When I scoop Ice cream and remember the reason I have to use a spoon is because he broke the scoop we had. When I take a shower and his shampoo is there. When I brush my teeth and his toothbrush is there. When I take the kids somewhere and remember something silly he said there.
Truth is, no matter where your hero may be, he is actually right there with you. I know that I ruin it when I say, that no matter how many times he tells me to look at the moon, because he is looking at it too....and I come back with: no your not. Its already left you by the time I see it. By the time the moon shines on me the sun is shining on him.
What a downer right!? Well, I thought about it a little more and even if he can't see it at the same time, I know that he sent all his love into the moon and sent it to me! :) (see, i'm not so terrible.)
So, my husband, no matter where he may be today, tonight, or tomorrow... there is always a little piece of him with me. I prefer to have that, than nothing at all.
The next time you are missing your loved one, Look at the moon and know all your heroes love is there....and he is sending it to you.

Is it Contagious???

Ok maybe I am the only one that feels this way. AND if your reading this, please do not take offense to this. I can not complain about the awesome support that I have right here in Fort Riley and also back home. There are people that are always there for me. No matter what time. Now I also understand that it's not just my soldier that is deployed. He is not just my husband, but someones son, brother, nephew, cousin, grandson, friend etc.... I know that people all deal with things in their own way as well.
I just cant help but feel like some people think they are going to catch my "DEPLOYMENT" or something from me. Either that or they really don't care for me much. Either way the situation sucks. Me I can handle, the kids on the other hand are pretty bummed about it all. So is my husband. Me and him had a long talk about this right before he went on mission. I guess we came to the conclusion that even though it sucks, it's not worth it. Just smile and wave I guess. Deal with it the best we can and get around the situation. We thought it was best not to say anything in particular to anyone. But, you all know me and someday I might break. Aside from all that, I may be able to keep quiet, but I have to vent sometimes too!
I thought that when your husband left people were closer to you, not just cut you out all the way. I just can't help by feel used I guess. Perhaps these people talked to me just to get information on Dave, or to talk to the kids. I don't really wanna play nice anymore though. As i sit here and think about all this, I can't help but want to say..... "If you don't like me, don't pretend to!" He has been trying to be nice about this as well. I am sure between us we can get around this. He is better at this whole smile and wave then I am though. Even though he tried to be polite about it once already.
I just want everyone to know that you can catch the flu, chickenpox, or a cold, but no matter what why you look at it.... You can't catch DEPLOYMENT. The sad feeling that the wife has from time to time will not lay you up in bed for a week just because you called. And you will not magically wake up to an empty bed because your civilian husband magically disappeared overseas because you wanted to drop a line to the wife of a soldier. If anyone out there knows wives and kids that are holding up the house while their soldier is away.... what the hurt in calling from time to time.

Greatful.....

I know that sometimes, going through this deployment, I am not always the most positive person to be around. I am only human. It is easy to complain and to whine about things that are going wrong. It's easy for me and break down and cry when they are sold out of his favorite something... or when I just have nothing better to do. There is so much that happens to go wrong for us wives of the deployed soldiers. It's easy for us to have self-pity parties, or blame the army when the car breaks and the kids want daddy.
What I really forget sometimes is all the things that this deployment has made me realize already. I have realized that although Dave and I are not perfect people, we are perfect for each other. We are perfect for our kids. Though our kids are not perfect people either, they are perfect for us. People say all the time that you can look at the same moon and the stars and know that he is looking at them too. See though, that doesn't work when your soldier is in another country. When I see the stars, he sees the sun. So, I was thinking about it the other day, and although I can not look at the stars or the moon when he does, I get it right after. When I look in the sky, It's the same sky my love was looking at last night. Those are the same stars that he wishes upon, and that is the same moon he looked at and smiled to.
Going to the post office is a GREAT feeling now. Even when the line is out the doors and the people there are rude. Even when your kids are mad that they have to sit there, and you are mad that SOMEONE got the bright idea to invent the CUSTOMS FORMS. Even when it costs me 65.00 to bring something there! Its a great feeling to know that, when he sees this package it's going to make his day. All the little things in there are going to make him smile. And he will be able to do nothing else but think about us when he gets it.
Going to walmart and the commissary can also be a good time. There is no one that can wipe the smile from my face when I am in the store and I see something that I can get him. Or something that I think of to make for him. I smile from ear to ear knowing how great he will feel when he sees it.
There is no greater feeling than when you get to capture a memory for him on the camera or the video camera. Though it is sad that he has to miss it, I am grateful that he gets to see it still no matter how.
Though this whole experience is no picnic, I have learned so much already and hope that I continue to learn and grow as time passes. I will not stop having moments when I just have to cry, or days when everything I see makes me miss him that much more. I will not promise that I will be perfect or not make mistakes while he is away. That is how I will learn. I will buy things that sounded great at the time and have to return later because there is really no need. I will take a few dollars from savings to buy me something to make me feel better. I will burn the pizza more than once. I will forget to ask him something when he calls. I will buy the boys toys for no reason at all. And I am sure I will lock myself out of the house or the car at least once. I HAVE run the jeep out of gas by not paying attention But I will Never ever ever...... stop missing my love. I will not let those things get in the way of my growing experience. AND I CERTAINLY will continue look at the moon that he looked at last night and make wishes on those same stars......

I love you baby... Know that no what, I will Love you to the moon and miss you to the stars

WOW... day 40

I know that there is many many more days to go.... But I am proud to say that I have so far made it to this point. As I expected in the beginning, some days are much Harder than others. Though I hear from him WAY less then I did in the start, it makes missing him that much harder. I thought that I would get used to the empty feeling at night... but it seems that is just staying the same. I have done as I said in the start of all this and kept busy. It was pretty easy to do with all the tax shopping that I have had to do.
When he left I said that I was going to be send him a package each payday. That's not that much to ask and it's not that hard to do. RIGHT???? WRONG!!!! It's hard to get everything together to put in the box... and then I like to pick a time that the kids are in school before making the trip to the post office. One thing that I have learned since the last time that I was here is that life at the Post Office is WAY WAY WAY easier when there are no kids in tote. Have you ever had to carry a child 2 boxes and hold another childs hand? If you have done it, I would like ot say YOU ROCK.... but it i try not to stress myself out more than I need to.
I have to say though, before i go to bed..... I have learned so much here. I would not take this life away for anything. there will never be a time that I wish it never happened. Me and Dave have an understanding like most military families. I know that I miss him like crazy and he misses me. I know that the boys are having a hard time without him. But at this time this is the life that we are to be in. This is were the road led us to. No matter what it is that brought us here, this is where we are. Why would you not want to make the best out of this. So Dave is happy where he is. He knows that where he is, he is needed. He is needed more there then he is here. Because I knows that I GOT THIS! And that i will be here waiting.... ALl in one piece when he can come back to be.
I miss you babe and I hope that you call me soon. Stay safe and I love you babe