2 Beeps

Today was an OK day. We kept a little busy. We ran some errands and cleaned the house. I helped a neighbor who just had surgery by bringing him lunch, and helped sew a name tag on a bag for another soldier who is soon to deploy. So my good deeds for the day have been fulfilled. Although now that I sit here, I can't help but think there must be something else that I can do today.
I was able to talk to my husband today via yahoo chat. SO nice to know that he is safe. Although people were getting calls last night from husbands, I started to feel a little jealous. WHY won't my husband call me? I waited and waited, but could not wait anymore. I was so tired and had a pain in my chest. It made it feel like it was hard to breathe. Still not sure what was wrong, but its gone now. Yes, I pulled a "Army Wife" last night and slept with the phone as loud as it could go on my chest last night. Turns out that he had decided that he needed more time. He also thought that I could use some more time. He was so right and it was not even something that I had thought about until he said it. I just feel like if he would have called right away, I would still feel like he was just at work. I needed some time to get my routine in place, and recover from the long, hard goodbye. I am glad that he waited. It made his chat much more bitter sweet than it would have been otherwise. He also needed time to recover from goodbyes.
I see the unspoken code, and I understand more now then ever before. Here is the code as I see it. People always tell you to cry and let it all out you will feel better right? As an Army wife I see that you are to hold yourself together as much as you can for the sake of the soldier. In the end we all end up shedding a tear or 500000000 of them. That is OK though. Take me as an example. When he said he had to go, I felt kind of like "whatever." We got the dirty work taken care of. The POA (Power of attorney), his wills, Life insurance, household things etc taken care of. It sort of felt like nothing but daily life was happening. I even felt that way when he started to pack his bags and got his address for over there. I was still in "whatever" mode. Then it happened. About a night before he was set to leave, I broke. That night I laid with him and cried. Not like a full blown tantrum, but a sobbing light cry. It was all starting to be more and more real. The whole last day he was here, I could tell that I was soaking in his presence. Not only did I notice it, but I noticed him soaking it all in. Blank stares at each other, like we might forget what each other looked like! The day he left I was able to be with him for 4 hours at work before he left. I was totally OK, until the last half hour. When I realized that I had to start getting the kids together and get out of there. I knew this was it. I was on my last few minutes with my husband! My kids only had a few more minutes with daddy! I feel apart, but not as much as I could have. I cried all the way home, until I made it home. I was so tired I had no more problems.
As a soldier though, you are not only leaving your family to fight in a war, but you are expected to hold it together. When they said that family could stay for 4 hours, what they were really saying is enjoy your time and be done with it. All of those tears, fear, and sadness he had to hold in. I got to go home and get it out. Now I understand why they do it. This soldier needs his head in the game. Family is the last thing you need occupying your brain right now. I know that it has to be SO hard to not cross that line. I can bet that most soldiers have a hard time doing this task.
As far as keeping busy, we have done so up to this point, and are trying to plan out our days to not only be on a routine, but to keep us going. I feel Like for the last few hours, I almost forgot that he was gone! I knew he was not here, but I went about my day almost thinking that he would be home for dinner. So when I looked at the clock and realized that it was already 6. I still had not accomplished DINNER! Now I know why. When my husband comes home from work, he always hits the lock button on the remote twice. It makes the car lights flash and beeps two times to let you know that all the doors are locked. I never heard the 2 beeps and therefore never even started to think about dinner. This is really going to take some getting used to!