Deployment.... until I see you again. DAY 1

So i had to take Dave to the Company EARLY this morning. You know there have been so many times in the last few weeks that make me think, this is the last time we can do this for a long time. So I have been soaking in everything and cherishing the moments that I had left. When I made the choice to take the kids with me at 2am and sit with him until 6 this morning, I was worried. I was scared that the kids would not make it, and that I would have to leave earlier than I wanted to. I wanted to stay until they told me I could not stay anymore. I didnt want to miss a moment that I could have had with him. Aside from me, I wanted the kids to have as much time with him as they could get. At least this way when they start to ask about him later, I know that they had all the time they could have had. Its one less thing that I wont regret.
I saw a lot of wives bailing early, and it made me think at times that they may have the right idea. Maybe I was dragging this out more than I needed to. I kept going back and forth between it being wrong and right. I finally thought to myself that everyone is different and some families have a different understanding than my family. It was right to stay and I am glad that I did stay till the end.
This being the first deployment that we have come to, we did a great job preparing. I have gone through this house all morning and can not find a single thing that dave forgot. On top of that we have done things for the kids like get them each a recordable book that dave had recorded in. I also had Dave make a recording on the Video camera for the boys, and one for me. Since we are freezing his phone line, I thought about how many times I might just need to hear his voice. If I freeze his line I cant call his voicemail to hear it, so we both recorded a message on my phone. We have been telling the kids about it since before Christmas, and I think Dallas really understood last night. Power of Attorney is all taken care of, and all the papers that we should need are in order. I truely think that we are as prepared for this as we can be.
I can also say there were times there this morning when I was regretting not just getting a sitter for the kids, and having dave say goodbye to them before he left. In the end, even through the rough times the kids had there, they turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I cried saying bye in the company while holding dallas. He did nothing but lighten the mood. He made my face do squishy face and laughed with me. When it was time to leave, I had my moments on the way home as I cried and fell apart a bit all the way home. Who am I kidding, it was not a little, It was a lot that I fell apart. When i reached the house, the tears stopped and I knew it was time. It was time to shut off the water works, and get my kids into their nice warm beds. It was like effortless to pull myself together to get that all done. I fell asleep just fine with the help of being awake for 21 hours.
When Dallas got me up this morning at 11, I felt so HUNGOVER! I had a headache and I felt like my head was DRYIED out to the max. I was so tired still my eyes burned. I had a wonderful friend that came over shortly after bearing Starbucks and conversation. I was ok to tell her what it was like. I feel a lot better now. I know that this is going to get harder. At this point I sort of feel like he is just at work and should be home this afternoon, or in a day or two. It will hit me more and more as time passes I am sure.
It's not just seeing my husband leaving that tears me up. It's all the others too. The soldier and wife that were there this morning with a baby that was only a couple days old. The tears in his eyes that he was fighting as he held and kisses his new bundle of joy. To see Dallas and Colton with Dave for the last few moments. To see all my friends husbands there as well. To know that I am not the only one effected by this time. All my friends are! It makes me sad to know that most of the people that I have come to love here are also hurting just as much as me.
Without these wonderful people, I may not get through this. I am so glad to have such a wonderful army family, and family back home that is so supportive of our life! We are all army wives. Some of these people have done this a million times, for most of us this is the first. It doesn't appear to get any easier as time passes, or as many times as they have to go. What I need to remember is not only what great things my husband is doing for this country, what a selfless thing he is going to do, or how much time and training he has had to do this. I need to remember that this is what I am trained for. This is my job as an army wife. This is my selfless act, to give up my husband when duty calls, and just like Dave, This is my time to shine. It is my time to prove that I can do this for as long as I need to do it. To do just like Dave and keep going no matter the amount of sleep, or lack or wanting to do something.... I can and I will!!!!

These are the moments...

These last few weeks have been so busy for me and Dave. There is so much to do before he leaves. This weekend was so amazing though. We had a great time just laughing and hanging out. I never have had so much fun just sitting around playing scrabble. To think that this is his last weekend with him for a long long time, puts a damper on the mood though. I know that he is getting frustrated that I am not breaking down yet.
What he does not understand is that once I break down, I am unsure about when I will pull myself back together again. I do not want to make his last few minutes any harder for him than I know they already are. I hate to think about what he is thinking sometimes. I know that in the back of his mind, he is cherishing all the little things. He is trying to hold on to what he has left. So are the rest of us.
I want nothing more than him to walk away in a few days knowing that he had a great time and that we will be right here waiting when he gets back. I have had the camera in my hand all week capturing everything that I can before he leaves. I want the kids to have MANY MANY things to look back on. To help us all get through this. I know these are the moments that matter the most. Neither one of us want to have any regrets later down the road.
I will miss him so very very much! I know that to him I hold in my feelings alot. Even though it makes him upset that I do not say what I really think, I only do it to hold me together. This is not going to be easy and there is no easy way around this!
Not only am I sad that I have to let my husband go, I am sad to see almost all my friends have to do the same. Most everyone that I have meet here, have a soldier going with Dave too. I know that we are all strong.
People tell me all the time, it will be OK. I am not so sure that being strong has anything to do with this. I really feel that no matter how many times a person has to say good bye to your soldier, you never are OK with it. Although it makes you a more self reliant person, I am really not sure this has anything to do with how strong I am. I know that I am strong. I am good at hiding my emotions and putting on a show. But that is not going to get me through this.
Courage is what will get me through. Confidence is what will keep me sane. To know that Dave is confident in what he is going to do and courage enough to be real about it. The thing that makes me both happy and worried, is that my husbands hides very little and has prepared me for any situation. I know that this is real, and I know that it is not SAFE where he is going. I know what can happen there. I also know that my soldiers fate is not in my hands. All i can do is pray that he makes it back to me and the kids as soon as he can. I know that he is not going to be the same when he gets home.
After he leaves this week I know that I will most likely never see "this" husband again. I know that he will see things there and experience things that no one should have to in their lives. i know that he will always be scared deep inside. The wife and mom in me will only want to take away any and all pain that he should hold when he returns.
What he is most scared of is that I am not going to want him when he comes back. What he needs to know is that he will never EVER be "damaged" to me. He will always be my husband and I will always love him the same.

So for you, my love, You are a wonderful husband and a great dad. Nothing can take that from you. If you are different when you return, we will still be here and we will all work through this together. That's what families do. I know that you will always be in your heart somewhere and we will work to find it. No matter what it takes. I hope that you are safe and you come home to us soon. We will be waiting for you!!!!! We love you

2011...... I already hate you!

Confused, frustrated, sad, feeling unorganized and running out of time QUICKLY! Those are just a few of the things I am feeling.
He said he was deploying in Jan. But it never really crossed me as to how fast Jan. was going to be here. I feel like it came the next day! Now we are down to a week give or take. These are times I want to stop the clock. On top of that, he is not even HOME. They had him working 12-16 hours days before Christmas, and now working normal days. Although I am grateful that he had 14 days of Christmas leave, it really doesn't feel like it.
It doesn't scare me to think that he is not going to be here to do household things, or to help with the kids. It scares me that I know the kids will ask where he is. I have explained it to Dallas, but he just says OK. I know he does not really understand what is about to happen. I know that I can make it a year without him. The problem is that I do not want to! No one should have to do without their spouse for 12 months. It does scare me that I will have no clue what he is going through over there or even where he is or what he is doing. It scares me that he will not be here for the boys birthdays or Christmas. I think it will be really hard to celebrate something when the one you love is not there.
Looking back on to last year, I never thought twice about it being the last birthday, Valentines day, Halloween, etc for awhile.
Now being an army wife, It is something that you always just tuck into the back of your mind. You put it away for later when you need to use it, but until then he is here. Its not really something that someone wants to think about. I am not sure that there is even anything that a wife could do to be fully PREPARED for something like this.
I will struggle, I will be sad, I will be hurt, and lost at times...but i know that i can do this. To make sure that I do, I need some goals and things to keep me busy.

Here they are.
1. I will get more organized. Papers, clothes, toys etc!!!!
2. I will Finnish High school online and study hard.
3. I will learn to sew more complex things.
4. I will keep the kids busy and keep them learning.
5. I will start to eat a little better and make sure the kids do the same.
6. I will work out

7. I will not let this take me down... I will keep going.
8. I will not sit around and do nothing for 12 months
9. I will not... no matter what happens LIKE 2011.
10. And I will not promise that I am not going to sit in the middle of my living room and cry some nights!

11. I will miss him like crazy!
12. I will let the boys listen to their recordable books EVERY NIGHT
These things should keep me going a little and to know that if i work really hard I can get theses things done while he is gone. By doing these things, I know that I will feel like a well accomplished person by the time he comes home!!!

When family comes to your house

I know for those that have had company while in the military, you know what a big deal this is. Its not your family coming for the day to hang out. They are coming for at least a week. They want to see all of post, and do all those fun things that you have found since you have been here. They want to shop and see things that they have most likely never seen before. For some this may be lame since you have all already seen it before. To me though, it brought me back to when we first got here and when I first learned my way around post and the surrounding areas. It was so much FUN. There have been many things that I have looked forward to since we have been here. Concerts, days out, the park, coffees, cookie exchanges, unit and company BBQs, Birthday parties etc.... But i think the thing I anticipate the most is when family comes to visit. There is nothing sweeter. You start to look and them and think about how wonderful they are to have taken time out to come and see you. How much you must really mean to them. Even if they save up a whole year and can only come a week, I am not sure that you ever know what a great feeling that is, until you go through it.

All the cleaning and preparing is nothing when you think about how much fun you are going to have, and how important you are to someone. Aside from that, we know not everyone can come and see us. Many do keep up with phone calls and facebook. We understand, but I want you to know that if you have family in the military that you are very close to and you are missing so much..... SEE THEM i know the economy sucks and money is tight, but its really not to bad if you are at least in driving distance. You never know when they will be stationed somewhere farther and much harder to get to.

There is more that i want to add as well. When my family came down last week, something else i learned was from the wonderful lady that accompanied my aunt here. So for Betsy whom is a close friend to our family, I thank you. Not just for coming and seeing us, but for always checking on us, for taking time out of your life and away from your husband to come. For leaving your house and animals to come and see mine. For driving and volunteering your vehicle to come here. for making this trip possible for my aunt. And most of all for loving and caring enough to do what you did for all us. So from all of us, we thank you!

Colton my baby

Colton
You are the baby of this house. You bring light to me everyday. You make me smile and laugh. You amaze me with all that you learn and the things you teach me. You are walking, using a sippy, clapping, waving, you say hi, give kisses and high fives. You are one of many blessings in my life.
You are so playful, and smart. Being with you everyday makes it all worth while. I watch you and your brother play all day and hope that someday you grow to be wonderful friends. That you watch out of one another, and that you do something amazing with your life. I hope that I can give you the right tools to get through this crazy life.
I hope you always know how much all three of us love you, and even when daddy is away he loves you very much. We will be always be here for you! I can't wait to watch you grow another year and be able to write all the things you learn leading up to your second birthday.
Happy first birthday my baby!! Hope all your dreams someday come true!
Love your mommy, daddy, and big brother
Sent via BlackBerry by Whitney Johnson HHC 1-16 co-leader 2187802995

Bam!!! Reality check

Tonight I watched army wives, like every other Sunday. But this one was different, it was sad, it was hard.... But most importantly it gave me a reality check. I have yet to do a deployment. I have yet to experience the feelings of that void.
I know that the show is not what the real army is and if I would not have started watching it before we joined, I would have never started for that reason.
I can't really explain how ready I thought I would be, and how many times I tell myself it will all be ok. What I have forgotten to tell myself, is that it can happen anytime. That no matter what we are in the middle of in our lives he could have to start leaving. I knew during NTC that he would only be gone a short time and that moving would be on me. I was ready for that. I was ready to prove myself and get it done.
What I saw tonight was in a very short time things could change. No matter who's birthday, anniversary, wedding, travel plans, moving, medical issues.... Anything and it could all be thrown on me all while dealing with him leaving. I don't doubt myself that I couldn't do it, but I know I wont like it. I know that no matter how many times I have to say goodbye to him in the future, its never going to be easy.
No matter what we are doing, or where he is he is still my husband whom promised to be there in sickness and health, better or worse, richer or poor....but that was all given up.
You should have to renew your vows when you join. They should say that he will be there when he can, not when he wants or you think you need. He will be here when your medical issue qualifies as an emergency which is dictated by someone other than you. That when you want to talk to him you must wait for him to call.

Anyways I came across something else whole ratteling me brain with all of this. And guess what I came up with!!!! I can do it. Why not? Many do. And the other thing I like that is said too often..... Your not alone!!! What a statement. What honest to goodness truth. The only thing I actually trust when the army says it!!
So here it is!
When and if this is something we have to deal with, we will do it! Our family is a team and we will make it even a thousand miles away. We can make it work like we have made everything else work. Its all part of life and learning
I love you PFC Johnson and if we ever have to go through this, we will be ok. We will think about you all the time and we will miss you every second. BUT until then he is mine after NTC, and we will make the best of it!!!

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