Day 18.... TOUCH

I know that it has been awhile since I last posted. Not that I have not wanted to. There was just nothing going on. I have spend the last 3 nights online at night with my husband. Its been great. I have gotten to get some pictures of him on there and he had been able to get some that i send him. That way when and if he ends up with no internet in the near future, he has those saved on his computer to still look at for now.
You know so many said that nights were the hardest, and i was like why!!! Now i get that most often they are at work during the day so you are not used to him here. But I normally do the dinner thing, and then we put the kids to bed, and watch some tv, and then when we go to bed, he faces the other way and I watch tv. He turns so the light does not bother him from the tv. These people were not kidding, but were wrong about the night time. It's not that I only miss him at night time, I just think about it more at night. I think about how long I have to make it before he can hold my hand, kiss me, hug me.... Hearing he loves me is a great feeling. Don't get me wrong, I embrace the internet and the time I have had with him online. To me though, hearing he loves me is just not the same without a kiss.
It's not the same at night to fight over the covers, or spend the first half of my morning cleaning up the pt's that are in a trail from the door through the kitchen and up the stairs. We are slowly adjusting. The thing about a year deployment, is it is way to long to try and stay in the same routine, and it's not forever so once i get this new routine, he will come home and I will have try to get back to the old ways. It's going to be difficult. This is all part of this life. I think knowing that some people could not do this is enough to be proud of myself already. Not just me, but the great friends I have. They are all doing a great job! I think we have all had the bad days, and we have all had amazing days that include a 3 am phone call, letter, picture, or internet chat.
I can not imagine going through a deployment and never getting anything more then a letter every three months. Like in the old days, those wives of veterans are more than super wives. I can not even imagine how those woman kept from having mental breakdowns. They had much less then we do now, the communication was none, and the money was not great either. (not like it is a fortune now, but it's enough to get us through.)
So, I think more than anything its the physical touch that is just really hard to deal with. Along with the saftey of not just my soldier, but the friends me and Dave have made who went along with him. We pray for the safe return of them and think about them all day !!!! I love you David :)

Invisible.....Vanished

I can not tell you have many times, I have read or seen something that made me think "WOW, that person is so depressing!" Today I am that person. I do not think there is person in this world that can make me smile right now. The one person that can is not even here. It's weird. I am just crabby and irritable. I feel like I am the only person in this world. I feel like there is no one else that is here...aside from the kids that are pretty hard to ignore.
I guess you could say I feel like I am invisible to everyone. I don't like it. I don't like this sitting around doing nothing, and I certainly do not like anyone right now. Why? I don't know. I am beyond irritated with people who lay next to the ones that they love every night... but complain when they are gone a week. Now I know that used to be me.... but it's different for me now. (and I am well aware that the world is not about me, but I can have my moments too!) I know that this is the life that we choose. I am willing to deal with that. It's not even that, and I can not even say that this "rant" is any ones fault in particular. I just want to be mad I guess. I have nothing better to do! I can't make up my mind. I want to be alone, but not really. I want to hate everything, but not really. I want to go to bed, but not really. I want someone to come to my house and have a drink, but not really. I want to work out, but not really. I want a damn Peanut Butter and Jelly.... BUT NOT REALLY.
I guess I want to miss the one that I love! I want to see his face, or hear is voice. I want him to kiss me good-night, and tuck my kids in. I want him to come shopping with me, and work out with me.
I just want to be mad at the world right now.... Hopefully I can let it all out, and be done with it. I hope that everyone can let it all out and be done with it. Because if I did this everyday, I would be the most LAME person in the world, and probably and alcoholic too! So there it is, my rant!!!!

It was only peanut butter !!!!

I was at the commissary yesterday without the kids. I was going about my list, just doing my thing. I made it as far as the black olives. For those that do not know the Fort Riley Commissary, there about the 3rd thing you see when you walk in. So behind me walks a mother with her two younger girls. I think the youngest was about 2 and the oldest about 4-5. I saw her stop at the penut butter (which is the first thing that you get to when you go to the commissary) and then started to walk without getting any. It took about 2 seconds for her older daughter to Jump up and say "MOM, you forgot to get daddy some penut butter! What will he do for lunch?" I wasn't looking at her until her little one said that. I thought it was cute, she wanted to make sure daddy got what he wanted at the store. So when I looked over I notice her mother crying. Not hard. Its those tears that just kind of sneak out on you. She said on hunny, and grabbed a can of penut butter. It's then that you realize her husband is not here and most likely just left.
It made me think about how often I have short little water work parties of my own. I sometimes never even stop to think about what it is that sets me off. It's the little things. I can be driving in the car and just think about something that he said to me that was super funny, or seeing a soldier and his wife. They never last more than a couple seconds and it is only ever a couple tears that get by. But, as I was going about my day today, washing dishes, I think I get it. Its not really MISSING him like some would thing. Like I am falling over the edge over him being gone a few days. I post things on FB about him and how much I miss him. Now don't get me wrong I miss HIM!!!!!! But, this is not the first time he has been gone. It's the simple fact that we are barely started with this, and its no where near over. I cry for my family here with out him and for him not here with us. I cry for the struggles he will have to endure without me and those that I have to do without him. Up until this point our lives have been nothing but working together. Were not allowed that anymore. Your family is really not a family when your husband leaves for 12 months.
As for the Lady at the commissary, I didn't say anything. Some people now are thinking, what a big MEAN person you are for not trying to talk to her, you going through the same thing. I didn't say anything because like I said they were the little tears, and she wasn't like crying hysterically. Saying something would most likely make her think more about it, and cry more. It would have made things worse. I don't think I would want someone to say something to me either.

Just Breathe!!

Today was the first day the kids went to daycare! For those that are not military, the kids of deployed soldiers get 16 free hours a month for childcare. Dallas was so Happy to go. When I picked him up 4 hours later, he looked at me and asked me what I was doing there. They told me that even Colton warmed up to the idea. He soon noticed how much fun all the other kids were having, and joined right in. I was so proud of both of them.
I somewhat thought they established the free childcare so that a mother can get things done like, shopping, appointments, housework, etc. That is what I planned to do. I planned to come clean, take a trip to Walmart and then to the commissary for groceries. Until about 5 minutes after I dropped them off. I thought to myself, this is my time! I couldn't really think about something that I wanted to do alone though. Truthfully its not something I have thought about! SO i ditched the coming home part, and went to get my nails done before getting the groceries and things at walmart.
As I started my way to the salon, I almost turned around more than once. I couldn't really justify spending the money on something that I didn't need. I am really glad that I just went there anyways. In the back of my mind all I could think was that if there were others waiting I would leave. For the very first time, there was no one in there.
I gave in and sat in the chair. Within 10 minutes I could hear myself let out this BIG sign. I soon realized that I had been almost like holding it all in. Till the time that I could relax and think of nothing else, or worry about anything. It felt good.... The guy took his time and I had a whole hour to just BREATHE!!!! I now know the other reason the military is so generous to provide us with 16 hours a month. We all need some time to BREATHE

2 Beeps

Today was an OK day. We kept a little busy. We ran some errands and cleaned the house. I helped a neighbor who just had surgery by bringing him lunch, and helped sew a name tag on a bag for another soldier who is soon to deploy. So my good deeds for the day have been fulfilled. Although now that I sit here, I can't help but think there must be something else that I can do today.
I was able to talk to my husband today via yahoo chat. SO nice to know that he is safe. Although people were getting calls last night from husbands, I started to feel a little jealous. WHY won't my husband call me? I waited and waited, but could not wait anymore. I was so tired and had a pain in my chest. It made it feel like it was hard to breathe. Still not sure what was wrong, but its gone now. Yes, I pulled a "Army Wife" last night and slept with the phone as loud as it could go on my chest last night. Turns out that he had decided that he needed more time. He also thought that I could use some more time. He was so right and it was not even something that I had thought about until he said it. I just feel like if he would have called right away, I would still feel like he was just at work. I needed some time to get my routine in place, and recover from the long, hard goodbye. I am glad that he waited. It made his chat much more bitter sweet than it would have been otherwise. He also needed time to recover from goodbyes.
I see the unspoken code, and I understand more now then ever before. Here is the code as I see it. People always tell you to cry and let it all out you will feel better right? As an Army wife I see that you are to hold yourself together as much as you can for the sake of the soldier. In the end we all end up shedding a tear or 500000000 of them. That is OK though. Take me as an example. When he said he had to go, I felt kind of like "whatever." We got the dirty work taken care of. The POA (Power of attorney), his wills, Life insurance, household things etc taken care of. It sort of felt like nothing but daily life was happening. I even felt that way when he started to pack his bags and got his address for over there. I was still in "whatever" mode. Then it happened. About a night before he was set to leave, I broke. That night I laid with him and cried. Not like a full blown tantrum, but a sobbing light cry. It was all starting to be more and more real. The whole last day he was here, I could tell that I was soaking in his presence. Not only did I notice it, but I noticed him soaking it all in. Blank stares at each other, like we might forget what each other looked like! The day he left I was able to be with him for 4 hours at work before he left. I was totally OK, until the last half hour. When I realized that I had to start getting the kids together and get out of there. I knew this was it. I was on my last few minutes with my husband! My kids only had a few more minutes with daddy! I feel apart, but not as much as I could have. I cried all the way home, until I made it home. I was so tired I had no more problems.
As a soldier though, you are not only leaving your family to fight in a war, but you are expected to hold it together. When they said that family could stay for 4 hours, what they were really saying is enjoy your time and be done with it. All of those tears, fear, and sadness he had to hold in. I got to go home and get it out. Now I understand why they do it. This soldier needs his head in the game. Family is the last thing you need occupying your brain right now. I know that it has to be SO hard to not cross that line. I can bet that most soldiers have a hard time doing this task.
As far as keeping busy, we have done so up to this point, and are trying to plan out our days to not only be on a routine, but to keep us going. I feel Like for the last few hours, I almost forgot that he was gone! I knew he was not here, but I went about my day almost thinking that he would be home for dinner. So when I looked at the clock and realized that it was already 6. I still had not accomplished DINNER! Now I know why. When my husband comes home from work, he always hits the lock button on the remote twice. It makes the car lights flash and beeps two times to let you know that all the doors are locked. I never heard the 2 beeps and therefore never even started to think about dinner. This is really going to take some getting used to!

Deployment.... until I see you again. DAY 1

So i had to take Dave to the Company EARLY this morning. You know there have been so many times in the last few weeks that make me think, this is the last time we can do this for a long time. So I have been soaking in everything and cherishing the moments that I had left. When I made the choice to take the kids with me at 2am and sit with him until 6 this morning, I was worried. I was scared that the kids would not make it, and that I would have to leave earlier than I wanted to. I wanted to stay until they told me I could not stay anymore. I didnt want to miss a moment that I could have had with him. Aside from me, I wanted the kids to have as much time with him as they could get. At least this way when they start to ask about him later, I know that they had all the time they could have had. Its one less thing that I wont regret.
I saw a lot of wives bailing early, and it made me think at times that they may have the right idea. Maybe I was dragging this out more than I needed to. I kept going back and forth between it being wrong and right. I finally thought to myself that everyone is different and some families have a different understanding than my family. It was right to stay and I am glad that I did stay till the end.
This being the first deployment that we have come to, we did a great job preparing. I have gone through this house all morning and can not find a single thing that dave forgot. On top of that we have done things for the kids like get them each a recordable book that dave had recorded in. I also had Dave make a recording on the Video camera for the boys, and one for me. Since we are freezing his phone line, I thought about how many times I might just need to hear his voice. If I freeze his line I cant call his voicemail to hear it, so we both recorded a message on my phone. We have been telling the kids about it since before Christmas, and I think Dallas really understood last night. Power of Attorney is all taken care of, and all the papers that we should need are in order. I truely think that we are as prepared for this as we can be.
I can also say there were times there this morning when I was regretting not just getting a sitter for the kids, and having dave say goodbye to them before he left. In the end, even through the rough times the kids had there, they turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I cried saying bye in the company while holding dallas. He did nothing but lighten the mood. He made my face do squishy face and laughed with me. When it was time to leave, I had my moments on the way home as I cried and fell apart a bit all the way home. Who am I kidding, it was not a little, It was a lot that I fell apart. When i reached the house, the tears stopped and I knew it was time. It was time to shut off the water works, and get my kids into their nice warm beds. It was like effortless to pull myself together to get that all done. I fell asleep just fine with the help of being awake for 21 hours.
When Dallas got me up this morning at 11, I felt so HUNGOVER! I had a headache and I felt like my head was DRYIED out to the max. I was so tired still my eyes burned. I had a wonderful friend that came over shortly after bearing Starbucks and conversation. I was ok to tell her what it was like. I feel a lot better now. I know that this is going to get harder. At this point I sort of feel like he is just at work and should be home this afternoon, or in a day or two. It will hit me more and more as time passes I am sure.
It's not just seeing my husband leaving that tears me up. It's all the others too. The soldier and wife that were there this morning with a baby that was only a couple days old. The tears in his eyes that he was fighting as he held and kisses his new bundle of joy. To see Dallas and Colton with Dave for the last few moments. To see all my friends husbands there as well. To know that I am not the only one effected by this time. All my friends are! It makes me sad to know that most of the people that I have come to love here are also hurting just as much as me.
Without these wonderful people, I may not get through this. I am so glad to have such a wonderful army family, and family back home that is so supportive of our life! We are all army wives. Some of these people have done this a million times, for most of us this is the first. It doesn't appear to get any easier as time passes, or as many times as they have to go. What I need to remember is not only what great things my husband is doing for this country, what a selfless thing he is going to do, or how much time and training he has had to do this. I need to remember that this is what I am trained for. This is my job as an army wife. This is my selfless act, to give up my husband when duty calls, and just like Dave, This is my time to shine. It is my time to prove that I can do this for as long as I need to do it. To do just like Dave and keep going no matter the amount of sleep, or lack or wanting to do something.... I can and I will!!!!

These are the moments...

These last few weeks have been so busy for me and Dave. There is so much to do before he leaves. This weekend was so amazing though. We had a great time just laughing and hanging out. I never have had so much fun just sitting around playing scrabble. To think that this is his last weekend with him for a long long time, puts a damper on the mood though. I know that he is getting frustrated that I am not breaking down yet.
What he does not understand is that once I break down, I am unsure about when I will pull myself back together again. I do not want to make his last few minutes any harder for him than I know they already are. I hate to think about what he is thinking sometimes. I know that in the back of his mind, he is cherishing all the little things. He is trying to hold on to what he has left. So are the rest of us.
I want nothing more than him to walk away in a few days knowing that he had a great time and that we will be right here waiting when he gets back. I have had the camera in my hand all week capturing everything that I can before he leaves. I want the kids to have MANY MANY things to look back on. To help us all get through this. I know these are the moments that matter the most. Neither one of us want to have any regrets later down the road.
I will miss him so very very much! I know that to him I hold in my feelings alot. Even though it makes him upset that I do not say what I really think, I only do it to hold me together. This is not going to be easy and there is no easy way around this!
Not only am I sad that I have to let my husband go, I am sad to see almost all my friends have to do the same. Most everyone that I have meet here, have a soldier going with Dave too. I know that we are all strong.
People tell me all the time, it will be OK. I am not so sure that being strong has anything to do with this. I really feel that no matter how many times a person has to say good bye to your soldier, you never are OK with it. Although it makes you a more self reliant person, I am really not sure this has anything to do with how strong I am. I know that I am strong. I am good at hiding my emotions and putting on a show. But that is not going to get me through this.
Courage is what will get me through. Confidence is what will keep me sane. To know that Dave is confident in what he is going to do and courage enough to be real about it. The thing that makes me both happy and worried, is that my husbands hides very little and has prepared me for any situation. I know that this is real, and I know that it is not SAFE where he is going. I know what can happen there. I also know that my soldiers fate is not in my hands. All i can do is pray that he makes it back to me and the kids as soon as he can. I know that he is not going to be the same when he gets home.
After he leaves this week I know that I will most likely never see "this" husband again. I know that he will see things there and experience things that no one should have to in their lives. i know that he will always be scared deep inside. The wife and mom in me will only want to take away any and all pain that he should hold when he returns.
What he is most scared of is that I am not going to want him when he comes back. What he needs to know is that he will never EVER be "damaged" to me. He will always be my husband and I will always love him the same.

So for you, my love, You are a wonderful husband and a great dad. Nothing can take that from you. If you are different when you return, we will still be here and we will all work through this together. That's what families do. I know that you will always be in your heart somewhere and we will work to find it. No matter what it takes. I hope that you are safe and you come home to us soon. We will be waiting for you!!!!! We love you

2011...... I already hate you!

Confused, frustrated, sad, feeling unorganized and running out of time QUICKLY! Those are just a few of the things I am feeling.
He said he was deploying in Jan. But it never really crossed me as to how fast Jan. was going to be here. I feel like it came the next day! Now we are down to a week give or take. These are times I want to stop the clock. On top of that, he is not even HOME. They had him working 12-16 hours days before Christmas, and now working normal days. Although I am grateful that he had 14 days of Christmas leave, it really doesn't feel like it.
It doesn't scare me to think that he is not going to be here to do household things, or to help with the kids. It scares me that I know the kids will ask where he is. I have explained it to Dallas, but he just says OK. I know he does not really understand what is about to happen. I know that I can make it a year without him. The problem is that I do not want to! No one should have to do without their spouse for 12 months. It does scare me that I will have no clue what he is going through over there or even where he is or what he is doing. It scares me that he will not be here for the boys birthdays or Christmas. I think it will be really hard to celebrate something when the one you love is not there.
Looking back on to last year, I never thought twice about it being the last birthday, Valentines day, Halloween, etc for awhile.
Now being an army wife, It is something that you always just tuck into the back of your mind. You put it away for later when you need to use it, but until then he is here. Its not really something that someone wants to think about. I am not sure that there is even anything that a wife could do to be fully PREPARED for something like this.
I will struggle, I will be sad, I will be hurt, and lost at times...but i know that i can do this. To make sure that I do, I need some goals and things to keep me busy.

Here they are.
1. I will get more organized. Papers, clothes, toys etc!!!!
2. I will Finnish High school online and study hard.
3. I will learn to sew more complex things.
4. I will keep the kids busy and keep them learning.
5. I will start to eat a little better and make sure the kids do the same.
6. I will work out

7. I will not let this take me down... I will keep going.
8. I will not sit around and do nothing for 12 months
9. I will not... no matter what happens LIKE 2011.
10. And I will not promise that I am not going to sit in the middle of my living room and cry some nights!

11. I will miss him like crazy!
12. I will let the boys listen to their recordable books EVERY NIGHT
These things should keep me going a little and to know that if i work really hard I can get theses things done while he is gone. By doing these things, I know that I will feel like a well accomplished person by the time he comes home!!!