So I got this really cute "deployment Journal for the spouses today." I think that this is the neatest idea ever! (Even though it is a BIT late, it would have been ideal to have this when he first left.) I think that it would be really cute to start it now and then maybe give it to him when he comes back. In any case, it has a lot of things in there like how we meet and some of the things that we like to do. Asks me things like what I miss the most, How i felt when he left, how he told me he was leaving, a spot for milestones, times he is able to call me, and things that I have accomplished since he left. It has all these really cute quotes and such as well. All in all its the cutest idea i think I have seen so far for things for deployment. Before it gets into the journal part, it asks you things as well. As I was flipping through I was reading them thinking about how I might answer each one. There is one that really got me thinking. It asked me how I feel. I was really surprised to find out that I had no clue. I mean I am sad and bummed out about the whole thing, but looking at the possibilities, it could be A LOT worse.
So of course I started to think more and more about it and coming back to that page. I didn't know how to answer it and it really bothered me. I mean how does one not know how they feel. I am the only one that knows and when even I don't know, you get a little frustrated with yourself. My husband is gone for one year, I am here with my kids, missing him all the time and him missing us and I don't know after almost 6 months how I feel.
Well lucky for me there are some ideas at the bottom. It lists things that one might feel in this time. As I read through the list, I started to see that I feel all of those at least once a day, and sometimes even more than one time. I wanted to share, because I know that I can't be the only one in this situation.
I start the day WISHING that he was in the spot next to me. (its not that cute waking up to a dog there instead, and Babe, your going to have to fight for your spot back. Good thing Bentley is a itty bitty puppy, I think that you can take him :)I feel GUILTY when I am tired, and I know that you must be as well. I feel GREEDY when I take for granted my morning cup of coffee, or the ability to be woken by something other than being attacked. I am FRUSTRATED when the day doesn't happen the way that I wanted it to. (no day happens like I thought it would) I feel OVERWHELMED when there is so many things to get done, and I am the only one here to do them. I feel LOST when I walk through the stores and you are not there with me. I feel ENVIOUS when I see others with their soldiers. Happy and smiling. I feel HURT for the kids when they see a soldier and always ask where you are. I know that just because they are not always able to say so, they feel the way I do most days. I feel EXHAUSTED by noon. I get AGITATED with the kids most days. I feel so alone when the house is quite and you are not here to share my days with. I feel WRONG for any and all arguments that we have had in the past. They all seem so silly now. I am so GRATEFUL when I get to hear your voice, or see your face on the computer. I feel ACCOMPLISHED most days when I can manage to get everything that I wanted to do that day done. I am HAPPY when I can mark another day off the calender. No matter what kind of emotions I have in any given day, there is one feeling that is never any different. The feeling of EMPTINESS at the end of each day. When I go to bed, and he is not there with me. I go to bed with that feeling each and every night.
I think after 6 months it's safe to say that those feelings are not going to change till this is all over. Even then, I am well aware that there is no such thing as perfect. I am aware that no matter how much I miss him and he misses me, we will have issues to work through when he comes back. But I do hope that the order of my feelings are different. I can only hope that I can at least feel happy and grateful when I fall asleep each night.
Lord, Grant me
The greatness of heart to see,
The difference in Duty,
and his love for me.
Give me the understanding to know,
That when duty calls, he must go.
Give me a task to do each day,
To fill the time that he is away,
And lord when duty is far away,
Please protect him, this I pray.
AMEN
