Again, I realize that I am slacking in my Blogging duties. I have no excuse really, except I guess I feel my writing skills have fallen out of my head. Oh yeah, and I am irritable. I will get you all up to speed on why I am feeling that way, the minute that I figure it all out!
Starting from the first to the last thing, I will tell you that the tubes are a blessing. They have made Colton a much more tolerable 2 year old, which makes this family a whole lot smoother. His whining is much less, and he uses a whole lot more words everyday. Not even just the words thats are getting better, but all his skills. He eats a lot more (meaning instead of picking at a meal, he will sit down and just eat it), he plays more, and is less stuck to his momma. So all and all this is going well, and I hope that it stays that way for the sake of my sanity, and his ability to learn better.
As for me, I have an appointment with a rhuemetoligist on Tuesday in Abiline, but it's just like a consultation. The worst part is that depending on my case, it might take a little while to get it, because the Dr. is only in that office 2 times a month! So this is the only time I hope that a dr thinks I am in bad shape. Then I will be bumped to one of the earlier appointments. Least that is my understanding. In any case, my actual condition is not any better, but it's not any worse either. So I am just glad that it is not any worse though.
The next thing on this list is my tooth. So I had to get a whole new front tooth. We all know that I am not the most well put together person, more so my teeth are not in the best shape. This is also coming from the same person that broke her finger in a pillow fight. Yeah, that happened! So I was making faces at the boys through the glass screen door and one of them hit it. I didn't know it right away till I felt something on my lip, and caught it before it hit the ground. That was in fact a nice big chunk of my tooth. It was worse in the back then in front, but you could tell I was missing some. It was really a bummer. I went the whole weekend looking and feeling much like a hillbilly. I am lucky that I have great friends and family that assured me I could do many things to make it better, or let it be a blessing in disguise. I was told that I could use a white chicklet, use it as a straw holder, a smoke holder... or if I wanted to go more extreme, I could roll around everywhere with my music blaring and that way people thought I was a bad ass and not a hillbilly..... Either way I got lucky and the dentist was able to get me in on Monday so it's all better now. It does need a little more work, he didn't have a whole lot of time, but I will get back in there. The only thing wrong with it, is I am not sure that it is thick enough and needs some more on the back side.
Another test is the GED which I am taking tomorrow and friday..... I am nervous as can be, but hopefully luck is on my side. I am not sure when I will get my results in, they said about a week, but as for the holidays, I hope they still come in a week. The results come in the mail, so I hope that Fort Riley does not let me down and gets it here ASAP. Considering mail is a pretty important thing to most all of us here, they are usually pretty good at it. With that said, I need to go and rest my brain. it 1110 and I need to shower and be outta the house by 640 in the morning. This is going to be tough I know it. I will write more I hope tomorrow. GOOD NIGHT
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Holidays, tests & ear tubes! Oh my
It's only been FOREVER.... I don't even know where to start really. We have been working on preparing for Colton's tubes, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. I like the holiday season, but sometimes all this decorating, planning, shopping, and all those other little things get to be a lot.
Thanksgiving was the best it could be.... We rocked it army wife style. invited wives, and those that had their husbands here also participated. Which was nice, because they were in charge of the turkey. I don't do turkey, but I think that eventually I am going to have to learn how. Being in the Army you have to be prepared for spending a holiday alone. So I am going to have to get on that. We all worked together to make this the best that it could be. The turkey.... well that's a whole story in itself, and I am just going to do a quick catch up. In any case, there wasn't really any in the end. However, there was football, plenty of food, good conversation, and a lot of laughing all in all. We always seem to know how to make the best of any situation, no matter what. This is one of the many reasons I love my girls here.
As for Christmas, I have gotten as far as getting the tree up, and some lights in the house. That's about all the decorating that i think that I will be doing this year, but we normally don't go all out anyways. As for shopping.... What do you get for 2 little boys that have everything? Ik now right?!?! That's something that I really need to think about...... UGH. With that said, I have yet to shop :(
I have taken and passed my GED practice test, and so NOW i get to try and get in for the actual test. I know the practice seemed easy and I can actually score lower on the real test than than I could on the practice... but that doesn't change the fact that I am still nervous, and I DO NOT LIKE TAKING TESTS!!! I was never good at them. So for 85.00 dollars, I hope I GOT THIS!!!!
Colton got his tubes today, and will have his first session with speech therapy tomorrow. He had been doing the speech thing for a long time now, but not while he could actually hear. Hopefully we can finally get somewhere. I know that someday I am going to wonder why I was so anxious for him to talk, but I know that I can't keep him a baby forever. He is at a point now where he is just falling behind, and he is frustrated all the time because he can't get what he wants to be known. I am good at understanding him most of the time, but I can't be his interpreter forever.
SOOOOO last night after midnight, I had to cut off all foods and liquids. Food was easy. I don't know anyone that feeds their kids after midnight. Obviously breakfast, but we had to be at the hospital early so I knew he wouldn't even care to miss that as his day was going to be a long one. however the whole "no sippy after midnight" was a slight bump in the road... He got up one time to ask me for it, and I had to lay with him and tell him no like 80 million times, but then he was out. SO I went back to bed, but then he got up again. After about 5 minutes of crying, he gave up and went back to bed.
6 am came pretty quickly as one would expect it too. I got up and showered and got everything ready. Thanks to a great friend Dallas had a sleep over. So that was one less thing to worry about. Woke Colton up and we were at the hospital at 715. They got him all dressed in their clothes and got his vitals. The ent dr doing the surgery came in and talked to Colton and I, which I thought was great. He was willing to answer any last minute questions and make sure we were both alright with the process ahead.
They gave him a liquid anesthetic,which after about 5 minutes was absolutely hilarious. He was trying to laugh and you could just tell he was numb. I recorded some. Finally about 830 his time came. They wheeled him down in his crib and he barely cared that I was not holding him. He finally gave up like half way down the hall and put his head down and enjoyed the ride. Literally 10-15 minutes after bein in the waiting room, the dr came to tell me he was done. I know it was a short time, but I can't even tell you if I was breathing that whole time. It felt like forever.
I went back to see him. Wow what 10 minutes can do. He was really pissed off at this point. He didn't know what he wanted. He wouldn't sit with me but couldn't walk because he was still loopy. Didn't really want to get down anyways. He just really had no idea what he wanted. That lasted about 45 minutes. They brought us back to where we started. Him and I watched cartoons and waited. They kept him an hour after that and kept checking his oxygen levels.
They finally released us, and he was ready. But still crabby. So he didn't wanna change out of his hospital clothes. He finally got over it and I don't ever want to go through that phase again. Lol. Poor guy. He was loopy all the way home. Head bobbing and just not there. I took him to bk for lucy. He ate that plus half mine. And rested for a long while before we went to pick up Dallas. Aside from that his eating has improved tremendously Usually he just eats a little (more like picks) and then he is done. Now he eats what's put in front of him. It's like he's never tasted it before. Which might actually be true.
This morning instead of screaming for 15 minutes while I rolled outta bed and got to him. He just cried a little to let me know. When I told him I was coming he just stopped and waited. He didn't follow me around and whine at me all morning like normal. And instead of hanging on me, he played all morning with Dallas. It's been great. He was saying things last night he has never even tried to say before.
All in all he is a much happier, smiley, laughing child. I know this is a whole year later and I feel as if I missed a whole year of his life. But it's over now. Hopefully. I mean he could need more down the road but at Learst the process won't be as long.
Now it's time to get ready for his speech therapist to come and let her see how amazing it's been just over night. ;)
Thanksgiving was the best it could be.... We rocked it army wife style. invited wives, and those that had their husbands here also participated. Which was nice, because they were in charge of the turkey. I don't do turkey, but I think that eventually I am going to have to learn how. Being in the Army you have to be prepared for spending a holiday alone. So I am going to have to get on that. We all worked together to make this the best that it could be. The turkey.... well that's a whole story in itself, and I am just going to do a quick catch up. In any case, there wasn't really any in the end. However, there was football, plenty of food, good conversation, and a lot of laughing all in all. We always seem to know how to make the best of any situation, no matter what. This is one of the many reasons I love my girls here.
As for Christmas, I have gotten as far as getting the tree up, and some lights in the house. That's about all the decorating that i think that I will be doing this year, but we normally don't go all out anyways. As for shopping.... What do you get for 2 little boys that have everything? Ik now right?!?! That's something that I really need to think about...... UGH. With that said, I have yet to shop :(
I have taken and passed my GED practice test, and so NOW i get to try and get in for the actual test. I know the practice seemed easy and I can actually score lower on the real test than than I could on the practice... but that doesn't change the fact that I am still nervous, and I DO NOT LIKE TAKING TESTS!!! I was never good at them. So for 85.00 dollars, I hope I GOT THIS!!!!
Colton got his tubes today, and will have his first session with speech therapy tomorrow. He had been doing the speech thing for a long time now, but not while he could actually hear. Hopefully we can finally get somewhere. I know that someday I am going to wonder why I was so anxious for him to talk, but I know that I can't keep him a baby forever. He is at a point now where he is just falling behind, and he is frustrated all the time because he can't get what he wants to be known. I am good at understanding him most of the time, but I can't be his interpreter forever.
SOOOOO last night after midnight, I had to cut off all foods and liquids. Food was easy. I don't know anyone that feeds their kids after midnight. Obviously breakfast, but we had to be at the hospital early so I knew he wouldn't even care to miss that as his day was going to be a long one. however the whole "no sippy after midnight" was a slight bump in the road... He got up one time to ask me for it, and I had to lay with him and tell him no like 80 million times, but then he was out. SO I went back to bed, but then he got up again. After about 5 minutes of crying, he gave up and went back to bed.
6 am came pretty quickly as one would expect it too. I got up and showered and got everything ready. Thanks to a great friend Dallas had a sleep over. So that was one less thing to worry about. Woke Colton up and we were at the hospital at 715. They got him all dressed in their clothes and got his vitals. The ent dr doing the surgery came in and talked to Colton and I, which I thought was great. He was willing to answer any last minute questions and make sure we were both alright with the process ahead.
They gave him a liquid anesthetic,which after about 5 minutes was absolutely hilarious. He was trying to laugh and you could just tell he was numb. I recorded some. Finally about 830 his time came. They wheeled him down in his crib and he barely cared that I was not holding him. He finally gave up like half way down the hall and put his head down and enjoyed the ride. Literally 10-15 minutes after bein in the waiting room, the dr came to tell me he was done. I know it was a short time, but I can't even tell you if I was breathing that whole time. It felt like forever.
I went back to see him. Wow what 10 minutes can do. He was really pissed off at this point. He didn't know what he wanted. He wouldn't sit with me but couldn't walk because he was still loopy. Didn't really want to get down anyways. He just really had no idea what he wanted. That lasted about 45 minutes. They brought us back to where we started. Him and I watched cartoons and waited. They kept him an hour after that and kept checking his oxygen levels.
They finally released us, and he was ready. But still crabby. So he didn't wanna change out of his hospital clothes. He finally got over it and I don't ever want to go through that phase again. Lol. Poor guy. He was loopy all the way home. Head bobbing and just not there. I took him to bk for lucy. He ate that plus half mine. And rested for a long while before we went to pick up Dallas. Aside from that his eating has improved tremendously Usually he just eats a little (more like picks) and then he is done. Now he eats what's put in front of him. It's like he's never tasted it before. Which might actually be true.
This morning instead of screaming for 15 minutes while I rolled outta bed and got to him. He just cried a little to let me know. When I told him I was coming he just stopped and waited. He didn't follow me around and whine at me all morning like normal. And instead of hanging on me, he played all morning with Dallas. It's been great. He was saying things last night he has never even tried to say before.
All in all he is a much happier, smiley, laughing child. I know this is a whole year later and I feel as if I missed a whole year of his life. But it's over now. Hopefully. I mean he could need more down the road but at Learst the process won't be as long.
Now it's time to get ready for his speech therapist to come and let her see how amazing it's been just over night. ;)
Monday, November 14, 2011
IRRITATING DAY
Dear Blog spot: ITS BEEN FOREVER. I know, I know, it's not your fault. Just know that it's not you it's me. Really I don't know what the hell is wrong lately. Seems like everything is changing. Aside from that though I send my sincere and total apology.
If you follow me on FB you know most of what is going on. You know that Colton and I have been struggling for like a year to try and get him tubes. It's been a rough, long VERY frustrating road, BUT he is getting tubes on the 28th. I am so happy. After like 12 failed hearing tests he finally failed with the Ear, Nose & Throat DR. So we have to set him up a pre op appointment to get all his vitals checked and what not, and then we will get a time as to when he can go in on the 28th. the process is really fast I hear, and so of course that makes me happy. I don't like the sound of the whole thing, but I know that in the end it is going to make it better for him, and easier for me. So it shall be done.
As far as I go, it's such a long story! I know thats what this is for... so that I can write out the details, but I can say that I am being treated for lymes disease, but they think there is something more to it than that. So I got a referral to a rhumetoligist. I have to find one that I can get into faster than January though. The sooner the better. As all you mamma's know though, your kids come first no matter what. So with all Colton's appointments, it's hard to get myself in there. I'm getting there and I can not wait to be done with this whole thing. I don't like it. I can say that you learn eventually to deal with the pain though. Lots of heat blankets, warm baths, and either really early nights or really late.
Dallas had his first Parent teacher conference today. I have to say that he did well. He has some areas that he needs to work on. For instance, she mentioned to me that before they come in from outside he can tell you that he needs to line up, go in, wash his hands, and sit on the rug. Often though he chooses to just line up and go in. He knows what he needs to do, adn she said he is not the only child that does this. It's not that he doesn't know. Also, he needs some assistance holding his pencil. She gave me a special pencil grip to help him learn where his fingers should be on the pencil. She also mentioned this is not something that he is the only one struggling with. The last thing that she mentioned was that he sometimes gets distracted. Like if they are on the rug and another child decides to leave he often will too and looses lab time for evey 5 minutes he is not on the rug. These are all things that she told me others need to work on and it's still pretty early in the year yet. He did well, and so as promised, he was treated with IHOP. He loves that place, and as we sat there, he told me.... "make it an IHOP day MOM!" LOL what a silly boy I have on my hands that's for sure.
As for everything else, I am not even going to get into it really, because I don't think that it is anyone else's concern at this time. I do however want to say how I feel today. Because I feel like i need to say something, and I'm not so great at face to face things. I feel bad hurting someone else's feeling no matter how they hurt me. I also, don't wanna start anything or call anyone out. There is more than one person and I just need to spit it out somewhere before I go more nutty than I may already be. I feel so irritated. I don't know that I can pinpoint just one issue that makes me feel this way. Yeah we all know that I am female. So I guess does there doesn't even need to be a reason for me to feel this way LOL.
First I am really tired of being the nice one. The doormat or what have you. I am not that in anyways shape or form. Maybe I ask for it. Most people know that I am pretty nice to most. I would go outta my way for many many people. That's just me. Maybe that was a genetic thing, maybe it was taught to me, or maybe it happened because I came from such a small town, and that's how we do there. It is safe to say back home, that if you drink to much and need a ride, decide to go through the biggest mud hole, smallest trail, or run outta gas.... there are about 30 people you can call that would come help you. That's how it works there. Which I guess I just happen to think that is how all people seem to be. WRONG. It is safe for me to say, that if I have never caught you lying to me in the past, I will always give you the benifit of the doubt, no matter what. It would also be safe to say that no what time of day, what I have planned, if you have never burned me before I will try my best to be there for you no matter what it is you need.
I just feel lately that i am being burned no matter where the hell I go and no matter who i tell soemthing too. I am really tired of people saying that they care, that they are there for me, that I am such a wonderful person, and then have actions that show other wise. I have found that there are about 3 people that I can trust, confide in, and know that they are as greatful for me in their lives as I am for them. Aside from that, they have actions that prove it. STOP faking it people. No one cares if you make mistakes, but no one appreciates when you lie about it. No one would judge you if you said, well I feel like this and like that about this situation.... than do it. Own it and DON"T FUCKING LIE TO ME. I know that I am probably more sensitive than most, because I care a lot more than I probably should for most. If I could care less it would be less irritating and hurt less too. This is me and that's not going to change.
ALL IN ALL.... You can say that you are sorry a million times, say I love you as much as you want, say whatever you want, whenever you want. but if your not going to prove that the things that you say are true, then don't say anything at all. Because if you cannot show it, your words mean nothing. Some people tell you shit to make you feel better and look at them like they are great people. You know what though, save the troubles, and retract from saying anything that you think that I want to hear. Only what you actually mean. Because to be honest saying what you think I wanna hear hurts more than not hearing what I wanted to hear.
Plus side... Packers play the vikings soon..... GO PACKERS!!!!!
If you follow me on FB you know most of what is going on. You know that Colton and I have been struggling for like a year to try and get him tubes. It's been a rough, long VERY frustrating road, BUT he is getting tubes on the 28th. I am so happy. After like 12 failed hearing tests he finally failed with the Ear, Nose & Throat DR. So we have to set him up a pre op appointment to get all his vitals checked and what not, and then we will get a time as to when he can go in on the 28th. the process is really fast I hear, and so of course that makes me happy. I don't like the sound of the whole thing, but I know that in the end it is going to make it better for him, and easier for me. So it shall be done.
As far as I go, it's such a long story! I know thats what this is for... so that I can write out the details, but I can say that I am being treated for lymes disease, but they think there is something more to it than that. So I got a referral to a rhumetoligist. I have to find one that I can get into faster than January though. The sooner the better. As all you mamma's know though, your kids come first no matter what. So with all Colton's appointments, it's hard to get myself in there. I'm getting there and I can not wait to be done with this whole thing. I don't like it. I can say that you learn eventually to deal with the pain though. Lots of heat blankets, warm baths, and either really early nights or really late.
Dallas had his first Parent teacher conference today. I have to say that he did well. He has some areas that he needs to work on. For instance, she mentioned to me that before they come in from outside he can tell you that he needs to line up, go in, wash his hands, and sit on the rug. Often though he chooses to just line up and go in. He knows what he needs to do, adn she said he is not the only child that does this. It's not that he doesn't know. Also, he needs some assistance holding his pencil. She gave me a special pencil grip to help him learn where his fingers should be on the pencil. She also mentioned this is not something that he is the only one struggling with. The last thing that she mentioned was that he sometimes gets distracted. Like if they are on the rug and another child decides to leave he often will too and looses lab time for evey 5 minutes he is not on the rug. These are all things that she told me others need to work on and it's still pretty early in the year yet. He did well, and so as promised, he was treated with IHOP. He loves that place, and as we sat there, he told me.... "make it an IHOP day MOM!" LOL what a silly boy I have on my hands that's for sure.
As for everything else, I am not even going to get into it really, because I don't think that it is anyone else's concern at this time. I do however want to say how I feel today. Because I feel like i need to say something, and I'm not so great at face to face things. I feel bad hurting someone else's feeling no matter how they hurt me. I also, don't wanna start anything or call anyone out. There is more than one person and I just need to spit it out somewhere before I go more nutty than I may already be. I feel so irritated. I don't know that I can pinpoint just one issue that makes me feel this way. Yeah we all know that I am female. So I guess does there doesn't even need to be a reason for me to feel this way LOL.
First I am really tired of being the nice one. The doormat or what have you. I am not that in anyways shape or form. Maybe I ask for it. Most people know that I am pretty nice to most. I would go outta my way for many many people. That's just me. Maybe that was a genetic thing, maybe it was taught to me, or maybe it happened because I came from such a small town, and that's how we do there. It is safe to say back home, that if you drink to much and need a ride, decide to go through the biggest mud hole, smallest trail, or run outta gas.... there are about 30 people you can call that would come help you. That's how it works there. Which I guess I just happen to think that is how all people seem to be. WRONG. It is safe for me to say, that if I have never caught you lying to me in the past, I will always give you the benifit of the doubt, no matter what. It would also be safe to say that no what time of day, what I have planned, if you have never burned me before I will try my best to be there for you no matter what it is you need.
I just feel lately that i am being burned no matter where the hell I go and no matter who i tell soemthing too. I am really tired of people saying that they care, that they are there for me, that I am such a wonderful person, and then have actions that show other wise. I have found that there are about 3 people that I can trust, confide in, and know that they are as greatful for me in their lives as I am for them. Aside from that, they have actions that prove it. STOP faking it people. No one cares if you make mistakes, but no one appreciates when you lie about it. No one would judge you if you said, well I feel like this and like that about this situation.... than do it. Own it and DON"T FUCKING LIE TO ME. I know that I am probably more sensitive than most, because I care a lot more than I probably should for most. If I could care less it would be less irritating and hurt less too. This is me and that's not going to change.
ALL IN ALL.... You can say that you are sorry a million times, say I love you as much as you want, say whatever you want, whenever you want. but if your not going to prove that the things that you say are true, then don't say anything at all. Because if you cannot show it, your words mean nothing. Some people tell you shit to make you feel better and look at them like they are great people. You know what though, save the troubles, and retract from saying anything that you think that I want to hear. Only what you actually mean. Because to be honest saying what you think I wanna hear hurts more than not hearing what I wanted to hear.
Plus side... Packers play the vikings soon..... GO PACKERS!!!!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Just because we are blood.... Doesn't make us "FAMILY"
Ok I have to get this out there, just to get this out there..... Since we went off to do our thing as a family in the military, people come and go. It's hard to pack up and just jet home for people, and some understand and some don't. Same goes for friends as well. There are some back home that sort of understand our lives, some that don't care, and some that maybe don't know what we are doing here, or appreciate the things that my husband does. Doesn't really matter. You learn who your friends are everyday. The one thing that I never thought you would have to learn is who your real family is!
I mean really? I always thought that family was forever, they would love you no matter what, and they would always be there for you. Sucks a little when you find out that is not at all the case. Some people can not forgive the past, but no one is perfect, and no one will be. Therefore, we have all made mistakes. There was a time, me and husband went through whole crap load of issues. SO WHAT.... We are through it, and now why is it that family can not do that. I would think that people who claim to be family, would be happy for how far that we have come.... Not everything is my fault. It takes two you know. I mean really people get a grip.
The worst part about this is all is that someday you are going to regret the choices that you have made, and you know that we have no issues, cutting those that only harm us and our relationship, out of our family. There is no reason to be there if you serve us no purpose. I have people that call me from back home just to check in and see how I am doing. Those people show that they care. They talk to the kids often and know just about everything that is happening with us.... Those are the people that are family. real family.
You know that else, my husband has delt with enough and so has this whole family in the last year. But you wouldn't know that, because your not around. And to be brutally honest, you may not hear it from him, but you are really really hurting him. Not only that, but you are truly the reason that I don't think that I wast to go home. I don't want to move back there right now, I am NOT READY FOR THE DRAMA. I don't want my kids in that situation and I don't want to be in that situation anymore. Which in the end sucks becasue I know my husband wants to go home and get out of the army, and I fight it because he is used to this crap and I don't want to be part of it. Not only that, but you are ruining it for those that I actually want to go home for! Which in the end sucks....
Point blank is this, I don't care if you like me or not, your stuck with me. The past is the past, and you are hurting the whole family by continuing to live by it. We really don't care what you think in case you have not noticed. Most of all you are totally and 100% selfish to put my husband in this position. I mean really, do You have any damn idea what that man goes through. NO because you are not around for anyone except when it benifits you in some way. I really should be more specific, but I am not going to. It doesn't matter really. Some day reality will slap you in the face, and for your sake that better be DAMN SOON or you will loose it all. I know I am about done with it, and it won't take long for Dave to finally say what he needs to say.
Lastly, Family would know what is going on with my family, because they care. They call for the kids, they call for me and they call for Dave. I know that with Dave gone, it's sometimes easier to think that this is easier to handle when you are not always talking to the kids or myself. This is our life right now.... This is a reality that I live with everyday, I can't just ignore it.... You have shown your true colors. It's been almost a 12 month deployment and I have to say you have about blown it.
Family is not just there when there is something in it for them, they are not just family because you have the same family members, and we are not family because we are on the same family tree. Therefore you are just a relative ... Sucks for you!
Personally, I would love to just head to Lowe's tomorrow and cut a few shitty branches off the family tree!
On a side note the heat blanket is giving me a little relief to my pain.... thank you DAVE!!! Great idea and it worked fairly well!
NIGHT
I mean really? I always thought that family was forever, they would love you no matter what, and they would always be there for you. Sucks a little when you find out that is not at all the case. Some people can not forgive the past, but no one is perfect, and no one will be. Therefore, we have all made mistakes. There was a time, me and husband went through whole crap load of issues. SO WHAT.... We are through it, and now why is it that family can not do that. I would think that people who claim to be family, would be happy for how far that we have come.... Not everything is my fault. It takes two you know. I mean really people get a grip.
The worst part about this is all is that someday you are going to regret the choices that you have made, and you know that we have no issues, cutting those that only harm us and our relationship, out of our family. There is no reason to be there if you serve us no purpose. I have people that call me from back home just to check in and see how I am doing. Those people show that they care. They talk to the kids often and know just about everything that is happening with us.... Those are the people that are family. real family.
You know that else, my husband has delt with enough and so has this whole family in the last year. But you wouldn't know that, because your not around. And to be brutally honest, you may not hear it from him, but you are really really hurting him. Not only that, but you are truly the reason that I don't think that I wast to go home. I don't want to move back there right now, I am NOT READY FOR THE DRAMA. I don't want my kids in that situation and I don't want to be in that situation anymore. Which in the end sucks becasue I know my husband wants to go home and get out of the army, and I fight it because he is used to this crap and I don't want to be part of it. Not only that, but you are ruining it for those that I actually want to go home for! Which in the end sucks....
Point blank is this, I don't care if you like me or not, your stuck with me. The past is the past, and you are hurting the whole family by continuing to live by it. We really don't care what you think in case you have not noticed. Most of all you are totally and 100% selfish to put my husband in this position. I mean really, do You have any damn idea what that man goes through. NO because you are not around for anyone except when it benifits you in some way. I really should be more specific, but I am not going to. It doesn't matter really. Some day reality will slap you in the face, and for your sake that better be DAMN SOON or you will loose it all. I know I am about done with it, and it won't take long for Dave to finally say what he needs to say.
Lastly, Family would know what is going on with my family, because they care. They call for the kids, they call for me and they call for Dave. I know that with Dave gone, it's sometimes easier to think that this is easier to handle when you are not always talking to the kids or myself. This is our life right now.... This is a reality that I live with everyday, I can't just ignore it.... You have shown your true colors. It's been almost a 12 month deployment and I have to say you have about blown it.
Family is not just there when there is something in it for them, they are not just family because you have the same family members, and we are not family because we are on the same family tree. Therefore you are just a relative ... Sucks for you!
Personally, I would love to just head to Lowe's tomorrow and cut a few shitty branches off the family tree!
On a side note the heat blanket is giving me a little relief to my pain.... thank you DAVE!!! Great idea and it worked fairly well!
NIGHT
Monday, October 10, 2011
Half full or half empty...?!?!?!?!
I think the below can explain more as to how I am feeling at this time. I need the time to "just let go, and be me." I don't want to be who I am not or was before and am not now. Sometimes, I find myself living by others expectations of what I should be, and that will be no more. Up till this week, I always saw my glass as half full. Now its looking more like half empty. I lost something somewhere in my travels, and I need to get that back. I need to find out first, what it is I lost..... What someone took..... or what I gave away. Whatever it is, I intend to battle with it, till I get it back. Even I miss me.....
For those of you who have continued you call, come by, or have me over... I am so thankful. I know that I have not been the most fun person to be around and for that I am sorry. I think it sucks too, your not the only one~ I know that all I do is complain lately, and I miss the giggly me..... I lost it a long time ago and it keeps slipping away. When I get it back, it will be here to stay.
No I am not like in a suicidal state, I will not do anything dumb, nor drastic..... So don't go drawing your own conclusions please. I think there is a time in everyone's life when they need to stop and take a look at everything they have done, not done, wanted to do, and still want to do in their lives. In the mist of actually living life, you sometimes have to let go of things and move on.... I need to find out what those all are.... But I will get there... I hope that when I wake up in the near future by coffee cup will again be... HALF FULL
For those of you who have continued you call, come by, or have me over... I am so thankful. I know that I have not been the most fun person to be around and for that I am sorry. I think it sucks too, your not the only one~ I know that all I do is complain lately, and I miss the giggly me..... I lost it a long time ago and it keeps slipping away. When I get it back, it will be here to stay.
No I am not like in a suicidal state, I will not do anything dumb, nor drastic..... So don't go drawing your own conclusions please. I think there is a time in everyone's life when they need to stop and take a look at everything they have done, not done, wanted to do, and still want to do in their lives. In the mist of actually living life, you sometimes have to let go of things and move on.... I need to find out what those all are.... But I will get there... I hope that when I wake up in the near future by coffee cup will again be... HALF FULL
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Rain rain go AWAY... On second thought.....
It was a really rainy day today. I don't think it actually started till like lunch time. I mean I really don't know. I'm going to be honest here and say that it was gloomy this morning and I spent a HUGE chunk of my day in my jammies drinking coffee. So timing was not my thing. Considering I stopped all the nonsense and finally got dressed about....um...... 3:30. Don't judge me.
I would be lying if I said I hadn't fully intended to do the jammie coffee thing all day. It was, as always, stepped on. You see my kids had no juice and no milk. Meaning the sky was falling, the earth was rumbling, and if I didn't get going, the WHOLE world was going to crumble around them, and me. You know if I was not drinking coffee in front of them all morning, we may have made it longer. It was my cue to get going when they started asking for my coffee. YEAH RIGHT! Good try kids, mom is not THAT dumb. I'll only do that, when daddy is home and I have somewhere to be... meaning your home with daddy :) (Kidding)
In any case, we made it to the shopette (or for non military terms a gas station on post LOL.) Now before the kids and I make our way in, there was many, many, MANY warnings about how we were going for JUST JUICE AND MILK. There would be no CANDY, ICE CREAM, or SNACKS of any kind. So after they both agreed, we made our way in, as I again stressed what we were there for. 3 seconds into the store, and I knew what this trip was going to be like. Dallas of course, starts asking, "mom can I have this?" "Dallas is that a snack?" "yes."........."so then the answer is still no!" So this happened all the way to the back of the store to the milk. Finally I just looked at him and said, I SAID WE WERE NOT GETTING ANYTHING ELSE! He got so mad! As if this was the first time he heard this. Then it was all over. I now had one child trying to run away from me, one flopping like a fish out of water on the floor, and people looking at me. (I hate when they do that By the way. Like I asked him to do this!)
So I finally made it half way to the front, intentionally passing the wine. Yeah that's right... Much needed. Again..don't judge me. By the grace of god, we all made it out of there without to many more issues. I really hate when the trips go like that. AND the worst part is, you never know what you are in for. They are like 2 different kids depending one what side of the store door they are on! Dallas acted like he had never in all 4 years been in public. I was obviously mad. Well then when got to the truck, he sees the carnival and wants to go. Like really child. Were you there for that giant meltdown you just had??? We get half way home and dallas finally calms down.... and then asks me "mom, is something the matter." At this point I'm certain I left my child in the car while I was in the store, and must have brought someone else's kid in there.
We did make it home... Finally. Nothing really exciting after that. Layed around and watched movies. I know that it wouldn't have been a Johnson day without a little entertainment though. Oh well. I managed some homework, house work, and relaxed to some tunes the rest of the night. After all, I didn't mind that it rained all day.
NIGHT!!!!
I would be lying if I said I hadn't fully intended to do the jammie coffee thing all day. It was, as always, stepped on. You see my kids had no juice and no milk. Meaning the sky was falling, the earth was rumbling, and if I didn't get going, the WHOLE world was going to crumble around them, and me. You know if I was not drinking coffee in front of them all morning, we may have made it longer. It was my cue to get going when they started asking for my coffee. YEAH RIGHT! Good try kids, mom is not THAT dumb. I'll only do that, when daddy is home and I have somewhere to be... meaning your home with daddy :) (Kidding)
In any case, we made it to the shopette (or for non military terms a gas station on post LOL.) Now before the kids and I make our way in, there was many, many, MANY warnings about how we were going for JUST JUICE AND MILK. There would be no CANDY, ICE CREAM, or SNACKS of any kind. So after they both agreed, we made our way in, as I again stressed what we were there for. 3 seconds into the store, and I knew what this trip was going to be like. Dallas of course, starts asking, "mom can I have this?" "Dallas is that a snack?" "yes."........."so then the answer is still no!" So this happened all the way to the back of the store to the milk. Finally I just looked at him and said, I SAID WE WERE NOT GETTING ANYTHING ELSE! He got so mad! As if this was the first time he heard this. Then it was all over. I now had one child trying to run away from me, one flopping like a fish out of water on the floor, and people looking at me. (I hate when they do that By the way. Like I asked him to do this!)
So I finally made it half way to the front, intentionally passing the wine. Yeah that's right... Much needed. Again..don't judge me. By the grace of god, we all made it out of there without to many more issues. I really hate when the trips go like that. AND the worst part is, you never know what you are in for. They are like 2 different kids depending one what side of the store door they are on! Dallas acted like he had never in all 4 years been in public. I was obviously mad. Well then when got to the truck, he sees the carnival and wants to go. Like really child. Were you there for that giant meltdown you just had??? We get half way home and dallas finally calms down.... and then asks me "mom, is something the matter." At this point I'm certain I left my child in the car while I was in the store, and must have brought someone else's kid in there.
We did make it home... Finally. Nothing really exciting after that. Layed around and watched movies. I know that it wouldn't have been a Johnson day without a little entertainment though. Oh well. I managed some homework, house work, and relaxed to some tunes the rest of the night. After all, I didn't mind that it rained all day.
NIGHT!!!!
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