I know that I am again slacking on the blogging. I have no excuse really, except that I feel like I have had a hard time figuring out my own head, little lone trying to get it all into writing. Deployment has been over for a month now, and all I can really say about it for now is, its different. I know that the boys are most definitely happy to have daddy home though and that alone makes me smile. I know that a year is a long time, but to them I am certain it felt like an eternity.
Lately, I have spent a lot of time asking myself a whole lot of questions that all go unanswered. Most people think a lot about their future and where they want to go in life. It wasn't that long ago, I thought I knew. However, that dream, that was a reality for a short time, is no longer there. So now things in my head make me wonder what I did to make it the way it is now, and how to deal with it seems harder than ever.
I know that I am not the only one that wonders what purpose it is they serve in this complicated world. I sort of thought that I had figured that out as well, but it's not so. SO now what. Basically when you get down to it all, you start to wonder where you wanna go and what you wanna do forever. When will you find what and who you are.
It's hard to not know who you are suppose to be. I know that I would rather have one person love me for who I really am, than have everyone love me for who I am not. At the same time, if you are to kind, you become a welcome mat very easily. If your to mean, no one likes you or pretends to, and that's no fun either. So where is the balance? No, I am not looking to please everyone. There are people that I KNOW use me, and I still answer the phone when they call. Knowing full well that they only want something. More times than not, I am actually alright with that,because in the end, I still helped someone and to me that gives me satisfaction in knowing that I made even a small difference. Other times, I wind up getting mad at my own self, wondering why it is I continue to do it, when I know that the out-come will never change. It's a lot like smashing your face into the nearest wall over and over again. You know how it's going to feel, and yet you keep doing it. Clearly not the smartest thing in the world.
Sometimes, it's harder than you think to find out who the REAL people in your life are. Sometimes, all it takes is needing a little help or a small event in life for people to show you their true colors. Other times it's a lot more complicated than that. Sometimes, it seems they just stop caring, replace you(because they really never cared in the first place), or were fake from the start. Either way is always going to be hurtful. It's only those that never really cared that it doesn't hurt. That seems to hurt the most. Thinking you were SO important to someone and then WHAM..... HAHA just kidding! REALLY?!?!
I have gotten really good at hiding how I feel about things, and hiding my emotions, but that doesn't mean that I don't have them. Doesn't mean that they are not there, and it doesn't mean that I am not always dealing with them. Fighting with them. I don't cry in front of people very often. I don't know why. I don't want people to feel obligated to try and help me...or think that they are this really awkward situation that makes them not know what to do I guess. On the other end, It doesn't bother me at all when people cry in front of me. I don't always know what to do about it, but usually instinct helps me know the things to say and the things to do. Aside from that, when I say it, i mean it. It wasn't something I said to make you stop crying or hurting. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that people are telling me what they really think, and just trying to make me shut the hell up already.
What I keep coming back to is that I have trust issues. Like everyone else, im tired of getting burned by people. There is really only 2 people that know the majority of things in my life and how I REALLY feel about them. Now when others ask, I don't lie to them, I just dance around it and smile, or change the subject. It's easier that way. To many people knowing all of me scares me. Because, what I was or did 2,3,4,5 years ago is not who I am now. Too many people are quick to judge. I am usually willing to share my stories when someone I know is going through something similar, but not just outta the blue. If that makes any sense.
Do you ever look at someone that you are friends with and wonder how "THIS" friendship will end? I do sometimes. Or look at them and wonder what they "WANT" from you? I do that too. No i don't sit around and plot how to end friendships. Just seems like so many come and go and you can't help but wonder if you just drift apart or if it'll be a grand departure with drama and all. I can't blame everyone for all this either. I know that I have caused my share of drama, and I know that I have not always been great at keeping in touch, and more than once I have not been the greatest friend to some. I'm in NO WAY an angel! Anyone who knows me, knows this is a FACT!
I am starting to learn that a REAL TRUE HONEST friend, will always be there when you call, pick you up when you fall, encourage you to do things even you don't think you can do, check on you often to see how you are and what's been going on, will listen to your feelings, and take out all the time needed to help you when times are tough for you. THOSE are the ones that you hold on to. I know I can count on one hand how many of those I have. Doesn't mean that I don't like my other friends to. I just have a hard time trusting people. I mean in reality I live in an army community and someone somewhere always seems to have something to say. Including me, I have had my own opinions of people around me as well. I AM HUMAN TOO!
I just don't want to loose the real ones that I have, and I need them to know that I am here for them just as much as they have been there for me too! I know there will come a time when we all leave Kansas and make new friends. It's those few people though that no matter what, will have a VERY close place in my heart, and those are the people that I will still talk to as often as possible. I will still listen to all their problems, it will just be harder than walking down the street. Finding people like that to have in your life is hard enough. You could spent the rest of your life looking for more people like that. So why not do your best to hold onto the ones that you have now?
Lately my brain just doesn't stop and I could go back and forth all day and night wondering how things messed up so bad, why I feel like I do, why I do the things I do, why people act the way they do, what in life i did to deserve some of the things I have had to go through, how I can fix certain things, what to say to certain people, and even what I wanna be when I grow up. My brain lately just keeps going and going and now I think it needs a shut off switch. Lucky for me they have prescribed me the lortab for my muscle and joint pain, to help me sleep. That stuff somewhat shuts my brain off. I lay and think for awhile, and then just passout. I know there are things that i will never know the answer to and, when I know how, I will deal with them one by one.
Being strong is not at all easy, and it's not something that I can do all the time, but when being strong is your only option, you learn to do it the best you can. No matter how you look at it, I am still a female, I still have emotions. I am still human and have feelings, and just because I come from a place where the girls hunt, fish, 4wheel, and drive trucks in mud, doesn't change that I am still a girl. I still hurt like any other girl would.... We all just deal with things differently.
People are quick to realize that girls (most def. the younger ones) think that they have to be the most beautiful thing on the outside. It's because of the magazines, and television that they think that way. It's not often that you can find someone that will tell you beauty is on the inside. Even if that's true, it seems like less and less people actually look for the inside beauty anymore. When you do find something about yourself that makes you a more confident person it seems like there is someone right behind you to crush it in some way.
I wish I knew all the answers to all my questions, and I wish more people would start being real and thinking from other peoples points of view. STOP HATING!
