I know this may sound bad to some, and those that are Army wives know what I am talking about. Since we got here August of 2009, we have known that there is a deployment ahead of us. In the last few weeks it has become more real. The dates of deployment are starting to show up, and it gets to be a lot. For a Wife that has never had to do this before, it is a lot to take in. My emotions are crazy all the time. When some one say something about the deployment, I get a little emotional. Emotional and scared to say the least.
At times I wish that he was already gone. Not because I do not love him, and want him to be here all the time, but because I think this is getting much harder knowing that he has to. I want him to be gone so that the good byes are all done already, and this feeling is gone. I would like at be counting down to his return rather than counting till he leaves. A year is along time, and I want it to be done with already. I know this is going to be so hard to watch him leave us.
Knowing that he is doing something so amazing, and for EVERYBODY in the US makes me a very proud person. Knowing that he is so un selfish with his time, and even his life is something to be proud of. I know that I am more than proud of him, and sometimes I think that the Army is a little selfish taking my husband for a whole 12 months. I do also know that this is his job, this is the life that we are to live from here on out.
My BIGGEST fear is that when he comes back, it won't really be my husband that comes back. There is to many things there that can change a person forever. I want the man that I married to come home and eveerything be great, but I am not counting on that to happen. My fear is that he sees something there that will change him forever. I will love him no matter what, and i will be there for him no matter what. What is ahead of us is going to be so tough for so long, and I know that if anyone has to be the rock, it has to be me. I just want this nightmare to be over with.
Some people will never have to know this feeling and at one point i thought that i envied them. Now i think more about it, and I do not envy people that will never know this feeling, because this right here is a show of strength and bravery for him, and his dedication for our country. Not only that but it s going to bring out better stronger people in both of us. I will become someone that has accomplished somehting some people never will or could. Our marraige will have stood up to some of the toughest things possible, and after all is said and done, we can say that we can do anything!!
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