I am well aware that it has been forever since I posted last, and I think I say the same thing everytime I go to post. There is large gaps in my blog LOL. IM SORRY.
Things have been crazy around here. I won't get into any details, but I can say they happen to be personal matters, and I will keep them that way. People have been bugging me to come back though, so here I am!!!
I have some things to let out I guess, and though I have a personal journal, this seems like something that other people may be able to relate to as well. So here it goes, that dreaded word...FEELINGS. You know those things that women wished men had and wished we didn't have to have so many of.. I mean men have feelings. Certain ones. Like they may get upset when you tell them to make their own sandwich, and upset is a feeling.
I used to have a lot of them, and knew when to use each one. There were times where I had feelings and knew when to hold them back... grin and bare it. There was a time that I knew who I was. You know I knew my morals, I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I stood for. I knew how to seek out those in my life that would hurt me. I knew who to keep close to me, and I knew who wouldn't walk away when things got hard. I knew the people that would answer the phone no matter what time of day it was. I knew who I could ask for help with certain things. I knew who would give me a straight answer and who would tell me when I was wrong about something. Something has happened since then.
Today, I don't know all these things, and I don't feel as sure about them as I did before. I mean I know who proves their loyalty to me when needed, and who is there, for the most part, in tough situations. For some reason though, I feel as if I am being tested since being here. I am not sure why. Maybe its because I am a world away from family and close friends in Minnesota and Kansas. Maybe it's the thought that I can't just go home when I want to. Maybe it's that some of the best people that I had in my life to count on are now all spread throughout the US.
I can not explain to you why it is that I feel the way that I do nor can I really put into words what it is that I feel, but I will try. There have been a lot of situations lately that have presented themselves. When they came about in the past, I knew what to do, what to say, and how to react. Kinda like knowing when to walk away I guess. Knowing what situations I could handle, and words that I would not let effect me or my mood. Lately I am at a loss. I have feelings that come out...or that I feel, but what the feeling that I give off is usually anger. I don't always do it. I guess I can't call it anger, but frustration maybe more.
Don't assume that I walk around all day pissed off at the world and everyone in it. That's not the case. It just seems like I am being tested all the time and it's one thing after another. Just when I think I have my ducks in a row, something else happens. All I can do sometimes is throw my hands up in the air and say "WHAT THE HELL" I have directed my anger at people who do not always deserve to hear it. It's not ment to come off that way. I think that I am just saying how I feel and then the next minute someone is mad at me because it came off more like an attack.
I am working on this whole talking to others about how I feel thing. More times then not, I can't find the words that I want to say or the way that I want to say it, and it comes off all wrong. I get so frustrated with myself because I know thats not what I ment, and this is not the outcome that I was expecting. I get mad at myself that I made someone else mad, or hurt, or frustrated. I do not do it intentionally.
I think I am just on this roller coaster and personally I think it's because I take care of the way others are feeling before my own. I let things that bother me just bother me and eventually you think that you don't feel that way about something anymore. I know how to deal with other peoples feelings and emotions. I am not sure how to SHOW and TALK about my own. Which sucks, because all this time I thought I was doing everyone a favor. I guess I was. Everyone but myself. This is something that I have to do, but first I need to figure out the way to do it. No one can give me the answer, I have to find that on my own. Through trial and error I guess. I guess for now I am just waiting for the good, trying to get rid of the bad, and dealing with myself one day at a time to be a better person.
The good times and the bad times will both pass. It will pass. It will get easier. But the fact that it will get easier doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt now. When people try to minimize their own pain, they are doing themselves a dis-service. Don't do that. The truth is that it hurts because its real. It hurts because it mattered. And that is an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that does not mean that it will not end. That it won't get better. Because it will..... with time.
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