The call~

I got it, it came, it was scary. I have been waiting for this for a long time now. Many years to be exact. Mostly since Christmas. I knew when I went home this year that this may be the last time we can spend Christmas with her. It never really hit me though. She has been so sick on in the Nursing Home since I was about 11 or 12.

I was sitting at my computer yesterday when my Auntie called me. She said she had just has a meeting with my Grandmas care takers. She said it was not great news. I can't even tell you all the things that she has been dealing with all these years. There is always something she is fighting. If that's not enough she lost her husband not long after going into the Nursing home.

It appears that with this new discovery of Breast Cancer, she is not hanging on well. She refused to take the Chemo, because in the past it made her too sick. So, the gave her a chemo pill. Now she is refusing that. It makes her sick and gives her sores in her mouth. (i do not blame her for not wanting to keep taking them either.) They said that she is at stage 4 breast cancer, and that means if they can lower the dosage on the pill and can get her to take it she may have 6-12 months. If she continues to refuse it , maybe 3-6 months.

22 Years living there, I am gone for 7 months and this has to happen. I am just not sure what I should be feeling. I feel more numb than anything at this point really. I am not mad at her, she has been sick so long. I know that a person can only fight for so long, and at this point I don't know that she really has much to fight for. What really bothers me is that she is asking for me. She knows that I would be there now if I could and I would stay there til she was ready to let go. with this Army lifestyle I know that's not an option. I know that I need to go, and be with her one more time. If I don't I can't say that I can be happy with myself for a long while afterwords.

My grandma has done so much for me over the years and to have to say good-bye is better than not saying good-bye at all. I am lost in these emotions. I have so many great memories with her, that I will always treaure near my heart as I have all these years

For now all I can say is; she is sick and tired, and tired of being sick. I do not blame her at all for wanting to let go. In the mean time I am trying to figure out a way to get me there