Kids these days..... what happened to them. I know I was probably no angel as a child.... in fact I know wasn't. It seems like most kids around here live up to the name "army brat" This INCLUDES my kids. They are polite, kind and well mannered when they want to be. But, there are many times that I am shocked at some of the things that come out of their mouths. Sometimes I wonder if they appreciate anything that they are given.
This is something that I should be teaching them. Where did I go wrong? Maybe to them they don't see me earning anything because I don't work other than at home. I assume they dont think they are a job in itself. Maybe it's because when the guys are gone it's so easy to give into your kids so that they will just be quiet and listen from time to time. Maybe it's because I try to compensate for their dad being gone and not having family here with them, that I feel bad.
I am in no way saying that my kids are bad kids. They just don't understand that concept of enjoying what is around you. I like to think this is a product of their culture and the way the world is today. People always want want want, and when they get what they want, they want more or better. Everything is like a worldwide competition. We complain about money, cars, jobs, people...... can you really complain if you do the same things? I am not pointing fingers, I do this too.
This is not how I want my life to be lived, or something that I want my kids to continue. So there is only one solution..... From now on this family is going to start appreciating and respecting what it has. The things in our homes, the people in our lives, the weather, and anything else. My kids are great with their manners so thats a good starting point. From today on, things in this house will be earned.
I have decided to get them each a piggy bank and when they do things they are asked to do to help out they can earn change that way. They can buy their own toys and learn the value of money that way. My kids may not know it, but the things that we have took us a long time to get, and I sometimes think that they need a better understanding of how the world really is.
I know that I also complain a lot about people and things... money, and my health.... But I am going to try and not do that anymore. We don't have to be the "army family" that people have labeled that life style to be with the :army Brats" in fact we are not going to be.
I will start to find the beauty in things rather than the ugly things. Appreciating people that appreciate me in return, taking advantage of the nice weather....
It's easy to complain when you are a military family. Complain about the clinics, the drs, the staff at places, the lack of things, the time it takes to get anything done, the deployments, the fact that you are alone to live life for a year, the way the army takes the people you got close to and moves them across the U.S, the commissary on payday, the distance between you and your family, the long hours your spouse works, blah blah blah.
There are great things that you get to experience in this life and we are going to get to those things from now on. I get to have my kids with me all the time, and watch them grow and learn and turn into little independent people. I have the chance to go to school and learn and grow myself. Nothing is greater than that really. That is true beauty.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Learning another path of Army life
It has been almost 3 years since we moved here to Fort Riley, and started this roller coaster ride we call "army life." In that time, I have met some of the most amazing people, and now I call them family. They are more like family than I could have ever imagined they would be. We were very fortunate to come to this unit as much as we were really worried about Kansas, and what we would do in the boring old state. A state that was not home. The first time that we were ever away from home. To add to it, I had 2 young kids in tote. Kids I would have to learn to have more patience with, and learn to do more on my own than I did back home. In short, I had very little time to learn independence. It was a lot like going to a foreign country and not knowing anyone or anything, but you knew no matter what you had no other options.
I learned very quickly to make the best of what I had, and that was the best choice I could have made. When I started to meet people, it didn't take long before there were a number of us that hung out more times than not. They were there for me in times that I used to need family for. We all learned about each others past present and future. No one judged, we just talked and shared stories, wine and food. Birthdays, holidays, long weekends... they were all an excuse to all get together and hang out. Something that we all need from time to time.
These are ladies that know more about me than I sometimes know about myself. We made it through a deployment holding hands and standing tall. A support system for one another. Our kids have grown close and have become part of eachother's lives as well.
Now, after a deployment, field trainings, NTC, late nights at work, holidays alone, birthdays without our real families, and everything in between, we have all bonded together so tight. Without hesitation they are ladies that I call when I need help, advice or someone to listen. To know that when I need some help they will be there and expect nothing in return, except that I am there for them when they need something.
I was just thinking about how we all came so close, and never talked about the day that might take us away in the future. We never talked about where we wanted to go next. I think we all forgot that someday there would be an end. Now..... that time is coming very quickly, and I don't know what it will be like watching so many of these great people leave in a short amount of time. In the past it was day to day and there was not talk about the future PCSing that was coming. We all knew when the deployment was over that this was going to happen, but it was never as real as it is now. We are all aware that this is all part of the lifestyle, but I don't think that this will ever get any easier no matter how long we are in the army.
I feel like we are on the countdown now. Something I have never had to do before. I feel like there is now an end, and this summer will be like no other that I have ever had before. It will be hard. These will still always be my first "army ladies" and the ones that taught me all that I know now. I hope that we remain close. It won't be the same though. There not up the road when we want to hang out.
I hope all these ladies are prepared for a glass of wine on skype once in awhile, I don't care if it's your morning or not.
So here is to another new experiance in the Army life. At least most of us are doing it together once again. I am sure that in the future I will meet many more great people, but no one will compare to my fort riley chicks! So here is to future, and hoping that it as fulfilling as it has been for me here. I hope that you find new friends, but never forget the ones that are here or where here. So many memories have been made here that i don't think any of us could ever forget. I feel like no matter where we end up in the future, I will always be comparing everything to the people and events that I have here now. Future army friends...... you have a whole SHIT load of competition LOL
I LOVE YOU LADIES
I learned very quickly to make the best of what I had, and that was the best choice I could have made. When I started to meet people, it didn't take long before there were a number of us that hung out more times than not. They were there for me in times that I used to need family for. We all learned about each others past present and future. No one judged, we just talked and shared stories, wine and food. Birthdays, holidays, long weekends... they were all an excuse to all get together and hang out. Something that we all need from time to time.
These are ladies that know more about me than I sometimes know about myself. We made it through a deployment holding hands and standing tall. A support system for one another. Our kids have grown close and have become part of eachother's lives as well.
Now, after a deployment, field trainings, NTC, late nights at work, holidays alone, birthdays without our real families, and everything in between, we have all bonded together so tight. Without hesitation they are ladies that I call when I need help, advice or someone to listen. To know that when I need some help they will be there and expect nothing in return, except that I am there for them when they need something.
I was just thinking about how we all came so close, and never talked about the day that might take us away in the future. We never talked about where we wanted to go next. I think we all forgot that someday there would be an end. Now..... that time is coming very quickly, and I don't know what it will be like watching so many of these great people leave in a short amount of time. In the past it was day to day and there was not talk about the future PCSing that was coming. We all knew when the deployment was over that this was going to happen, but it was never as real as it is now. We are all aware that this is all part of the lifestyle, but I don't think that this will ever get any easier no matter how long we are in the army.
I feel like we are on the countdown now. Something I have never had to do before. I feel like there is now an end, and this summer will be like no other that I have ever had before. It will be hard. These will still always be my first "army ladies" and the ones that taught me all that I know now. I hope that we remain close. It won't be the same though. There not up the road when we want to hang out.
I hope all these ladies are prepared for a glass of wine on skype once in awhile, I don't care if it's your morning or not.
So here is to another new experiance in the Army life. At least most of us are doing it together once again. I am sure that in the future I will meet many more great people, but no one will compare to my fort riley chicks! So here is to future, and hoping that it as fulfilling as it has been for me here. I hope that you find new friends, but never forget the ones that are here or where here. So many memories have been made here that i don't think any of us could ever forget. I feel like no matter where we end up in the future, I will always be comparing everything to the people and events that I have here now. Future army friends...... you have a whole SHIT load of competition LOL
I LOVE YOU LADIES
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I'm....... P-R-O-U-D!
I seem to put a lot of people before myself... their feelings, needs...etc.... It doesn't bother me, because when I know that I have made someone smile, I smile with satisfaction. That is all that I need, and that's just who I am. Telling people no is my weakness. If I was a superhero that would be the death of me. I don't like doing it, and more times than not, I can't. It ends up hurting me more than anything but I move on quickly because of all the experience. I spend less time on me than anyone..... I try to say that I am going to do something to better me, and it lasts a very short time. That's just who I am and I am alright with that.. After all no one can be me....better than myself :)
It took a few WONDERFUL people to show me that there are things that I need to do for me... starting with my GED.... I have been putting it off forever (like 6 years) All it took was a couple people that returned the favor and cared enough to help and push me to do it. Those are people I will always be in debt to, and people that I will always have close to me :)
In the last couple weeks, in the mist of doing the daily things (laundry, cleaning, kids etc...) I thought about all the things I might be able to do, if I learned self discipline. I first had to learn that it was not always about the other people that believe in me, but that first I had to believe in myself. So for about two weeks that is what I have been doing.
I did it without really thinking about all that I have accomplished.... But then I was sitting here the other night and was a little shocked at myself. So here is the list of things that I did, things I don't do on a daily basis
~Started a routine to remember all my medication ALL THE TIME (it's not really that helpful when you are always forgetting a dose or two!)
~I started tracking my diet and eating better... (still have a little work to do one this one...so for now it's a work in progress)
~Started working out EVERYDAY sometimes 2x a day. This is something that has been constant!
~ I cut HUGELY back on my coffee and soda daily intake. What I used to drink in a day, I now drink in about a week. I never drank water, and now it's bottle after bottle!
~I have accomplished night and day 2 of NO SIPPY CUPS for the kids. (this is actually for me as well. No more waking up in the middle of the night to fill them..I finally sleep through the WHOLE night. First time since I had Colton. Plus they are a pain in the day too.)
~ Started to potty train Colton (NO MORE DIAPERS for me pretty soon!!!)
~I enrolled in College and start at a Business School on the 29th!!!!
~ Took a "me" day with a girlfriend in Topeka....and had a blast and not a care in the world :) A-MAZING!!!!
Maybe none of this seems like much. I just feel like I have done more for me in 2 weeks than I have in like 4 years. It was a good feeling...a little guilty at times, but GOOD to do me for a little while. As I reflected back on all this, I smiled.... and said WOW, i am proud of it all!!! I have to say with all honesty that I have never actually said that to myself or felt the way that I did at that moment.
In the end, do you for a change. Making other people happy is a fantastic thing, but when you can look back and be proud of you, it's bittersweet! In a few years, I probably won't remember it, but it is really a HUGE boost of confidence. The fact that I am not scared anymore of what an outcome might be or where a road might lead. I know that no matter what I can smile and overcome... Even if it takes a little boost from other people. I really do hope that those that have helped so much know how awesome it was to have them there for me, and how much it impacted so much more!!!!
I DARE you to do something that you have been scared to do... it might change more than you think !
It took a few WONDERFUL people to show me that there are things that I need to do for me... starting with my GED.... I have been putting it off forever (like 6 years) All it took was a couple people that returned the favor and cared enough to help and push me to do it. Those are people I will always be in debt to, and people that I will always have close to me :)
In the last couple weeks, in the mist of doing the daily things (laundry, cleaning, kids etc...) I thought about all the things I might be able to do, if I learned self discipline. I first had to learn that it was not always about the other people that believe in me, but that first I had to believe in myself. So for about two weeks that is what I have been doing.
I did it without really thinking about all that I have accomplished.... But then I was sitting here the other night and was a little shocked at myself. So here is the list of things that I did, things I don't do on a daily basis
~Started a routine to remember all my medication ALL THE TIME (it's not really that helpful when you are always forgetting a dose or two!)
~I started tracking my diet and eating better... (still have a little work to do one this one...so for now it's a work in progress)
~Started working out EVERYDAY sometimes 2x a day. This is something that has been constant!
~ I cut HUGELY back on my coffee and soda daily intake. What I used to drink in a day, I now drink in about a week. I never drank water, and now it's bottle after bottle!
~I have accomplished night and day 2 of NO SIPPY CUPS for the kids. (this is actually for me as well. No more waking up in the middle of the night to fill them..I finally sleep through the WHOLE night. First time since I had Colton. Plus they are a pain in the day too.)
~ Started to potty train Colton (NO MORE DIAPERS for me pretty soon!!!)
~I enrolled in College and start at a Business School on the 29th!!!!
~ Took a "me" day with a girlfriend in Topeka....and had a blast and not a care in the world :) A-MAZING!!!!
Maybe none of this seems like much. I just feel like I have done more for me in 2 weeks than I have in like 4 years. It was a good feeling...a little guilty at times, but GOOD to do me for a little while. As I reflected back on all this, I smiled.... and said WOW, i am proud of it all!!! I have to say with all honesty that I have never actually said that to myself or felt the way that I did at that moment.
In the end, do you for a change. Making other people happy is a fantastic thing, but when you can look back and be proud of you, it's bittersweet! In a few years, I probably won't remember it, but it is really a HUGE boost of confidence. The fact that I am not scared anymore of what an outcome might be or where a road might lead. I know that no matter what I can smile and overcome... Even if it takes a little boost from other people. I really do hope that those that have helped so much know how awesome it was to have them there for me, and how much it impacted so much more!!!!
I DARE you to do something that you have been scared to do... it might change more than you think !
Friday, February 3, 2012
Better Than I Used to Be....
I know that not everyone listens to country, but I do.... all the time. There is this newer song, called "better than I used to be." I listen to it often, and I LOVE it. Every last word of it is soooo true. (Except where he says "I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see." Because I have never seen a MAN when I look in the mirror hehe) Here are the lyrics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO0keYA21oI
I don't think that this is a song that Only I can relate to. It's a pretty universal song for those people out there that are not, nor have never been perfect. It is a perfect reflection on how people can grow and learn even from the worst pasts. Regardless of if you want to admit it or not, no one has went their whole life and never hurt someone, or made a mistake or 50000.
I am not perfect. I am also perfectly happy with the fact, that I will never be. I have learned that being perfect is the silliest goal in life to have. No matter who you are, if that is your goal in life.... you will never get there. Sorry to crush all your hopes and dreams. There will always be someone with nicer things, more money, a better house, a newer car, a better job, better looks, skinnier figure, blah blah blah. So why bother. If you strive to be perfect, you are no longer yourself, you are someone else. Waist of time.
There is a difference in realizing and accepting that you will never be perfect, and deciding that you are going to be dumb about it and never learn and change as life around you changes. EVERYONE chances. More times than I can count, I have been hurt by people that I trusted the most. That is the way life goes. Most people will not see things the way that I see them. Most people will not be impacted by things that I might be heavily impacted by. I can not depend on other people to pick me up when I fall. That's my job. It is their job to be there when I need to talk and need advice. In the end my life is just that.....MINE. No one can tell me who I should be or HAVE to be.
People are going to hurt people that you care about, you are going to hurt people that you care about, and people that you care about will hurt you. Life is tough..... can't handle it?..... Get a helmet! In the end you can't control anyones thoughts or actions,except your own
On the flip side, it can be really hard to let people who you cared deeply about, go. You learn who is real and fake and in doing so you have to let some of them go. It's hard because you still want them to be, who you thought they were all this time.
Our pasts and those people who we let go mold us. They teach us little life lessons about things, people, and feelings. They sometimes show you how to find the good inside you and sometimes some of them teach you exactly how you DONT ever want to be. In this song, you hear about how your better, but not the best. You will always have a challenge a head of you and sometimes you need help to fight those demands. You hear about no matter how much you screwed up in the past, or someone screwed you, you get a little stronger.
I don't always feel stronger after something or someone leaves my life. Even if they made a positive impact. I don't always feel like i am ready to let them go. And sometimes they don't leave you a choice.
Take the chance to get to know everyone around you. Some may burn you and some may help you. Either way, you learn something from everyone no matter what the lesson may be. Don't judge by the past. Learn about people from who they are now. Help eachother grow and learn. If you stay friends forever you'll be as close as can be. If not, you both have learned something from eachother. Everyday Is a new day and a chance to learn!!!!! Everyone around you had something to teach you, even when they don't know it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO0keYA21oI
I don't think that this is a song that Only I can relate to. It's a pretty universal song for those people out there that are not, nor have never been perfect. It is a perfect reflection on how people can grow and learn even from the worst pasts. Regardless of if you want to admit it or not, no one has went their whole life and never hurt someone, or made a mistake or 50000.
I am not perfect. I am also perfectly happy with the fact, that I will never be. I have learned that being perfect is the silliest goal in life to have. No matter who you are, if that is your goal in life.... you will never get there. Sorry to crush all your hopes and dreams. There will always be someone with nicer things, more money, a better house, a newer car, a better job, better looks, skinnier figure, blah blah blah. So why bother. If you strive to be perfect, you are no longer yourself, you are someone else. Waist of time.
There is a difference in realizing and accepting that you will never be perfect, and deciding that you are going to be dumb about it and never learn and change as life around you changes. EVERYONE chances. More times than I can count, I have been hurt by people that I trusted the most. That is the way life goes. Most people will not see things the way that I see them. Most people will not be impacted by things that I might be heavily impacted by. I can not depend on other people to pick me up when I fall. That's my job. It is their job to be there when I need to talk and need advice. In the end my life is just that.....MINE. No one can tell me who I should be or HAVE to be.
People are going to hurt people that you care about, you are going to hurt people that you care about, and people that you care about will hurt you. Life is tough..... can't handle it?..... Get a helmet! In the end you can't control anyones thoughts or actions,except your own
On the flip side, it can be really hard to let people who you cared deeply about, go. You learn who is real and fake and in doing so you have to let some of them go. It's hard because you still want them to be, who you thought they were all this time.
Our pasts and those people who we let go mold us. They teach us little life lessons about things, people, and feelings. They sometimes show you how to find the good inside you and sometimes some of them teach you exactly how you DONT ever want to be. In this song, you hear about how your better, but not the best. You will always have a challenge a head of you and sometimes you need help to fight those demands. You hear about no matter how much you screwed up in the past, or someone screwed you, you get a little stronger.
I don't always feel stronger after something or someone leaves my life. Even if they made a positive impact. I don't always feel like i am ready to let them go. And sometimes they don't leave you a choice.
Take the chance to get to know everyone around you. Some may burn you and some may help you. Either way, you learn something from everyone no matter what the lesson may be. Don't judge by the past. Learn about people from who they are now. Help eachother grow and learn. If you stay friends forever you'll be as close as can be. If not, you both have learned something from eachother. Everyday Is a new day and a chance to learn!!!!! Everyone around you had something to teach you, even when they don't know it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Ever Wonder....????
I know that I am again slacking on the blogging. I have no excuse really, except that I feel like I have had a hard time figuring out my own head, little lone trying to get it all into writing. Deployment has been over for a month now, and all I can really say about it for now is, its different. I know that the boys are most definitely happy to have daddy home though and that alone makes me smile. I know that a year is a long time, but to them I am certain it felt like an eternity.
Lately, I have spent a lot of time asking myself a whole lot of questions that all go unanswered. Most people think a lot about their future and where they want to go in life. It wasn't that long ago, I thought I knew. However, that dream, that was a reality for a short time, is no longer there. So now things in my head make me wonder what I did to make it the way it is now, and how to deal with it seems harder than ever.
I know that I am not the only one that wonders what purpose it is they serve in this complicated world. I sort of thought that I had figured that out as well, but it's not so. SO now what. Basically when you get down to it all, you start to wonder where you wanna go and what you wanna do forever. When will you find what and who you are.
It's hard to not know who you are suppose to be. I know that I would rather have one person love me for who I really am, than have everyone love me for who I am not. At the same time, if you are to kind, you become a welcome mat very easily. If your to mean, no one likes you or pretends to, and that's no fun either. So where is the balance? No, I am not looking to please everyone. There are people that I KNOW use me, and I still answer the phone when they call. Knowing full well that they only want something. More times than not, I am actually alright with that,because in the end, I still helped someone and to me that gives me satisfaction in knowing that I made even a small difference. Other times, I wind up getting mad at my own self, wondering why it is I continue to do it, when I know that the out-come will never change. It's a lot like smashing your face into the nearest wall over and over again. You know how it's going to feel, and yet you keep doing it. Clearly not the smartest thing in the world.
Sometimes, it's harder than you think to find out who the REAL people in your life are. Sometimes, all it takes is needing a little help or a small event in life for people to show you their true colors. Other times it's a lot more complicated than that. Sometimes, it seems they just stop caring, replace you(because they really never cared in the first place), or were fake from the start. Either way is always going to be hurtful. It's only those that never really cared that it doesn't hurt. That seems to hurt the most. Thinking you were SO important to someone and then WHAM..... HAHA just kidding! REALLY?!?!
I have gotten really good at hiding how I feel about things, and hiding my emotions, but that doesn't mean that I don't have them. Doesn't mean that they are not there, and it doesn't mean that I am not always dealing with them. Fighting with them. I don't cry in front of people very often. I don't know why. I don't want people to feel obligated to try and help me...or think that they are this really awkward situation that makes them not know what to do I guess. On the other end, It doesn't bother me at all when people cry in front of me. I don't always know what to do about it, but usually instinct helps me know the things to say and the things to do. Aside from that, when I say it, i mean it. It wasn't something I said to make you stop crying or hurting. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that people are telling me what they really think, and just trying to make me shut the hell up already.
What I keep coming back to is that I have trust issues. Like everyone else, im tired of getting burned by people. There is really only 2 people that know the majority of things in my life and how I REALLY feel about them. Now when others ask, I don't lie to them, I just dance around it and smile, or change the subject. It's easier that way. To many people knowing all of me scares me. Because, what I was or did 2,3,4,5 years ago is not who I am now. Too many people are quick to judge. I am usually willing to share my stories when someone I know is going through something similar, but not just outta the blue. If that makes any sense.
Do you ever look at someone that you are friends with and wonder how "THIS" friendship will end? I do sometimes. Or look at them and wonder what they "WANT" from you? I do that too. No i don't sit around and plot how to end friendships. Just seems like so many come and go and you can't help but wonder if you just drift apart or if it'll be a grand departure with drama and all. I can't blame everyone for all this either. I know that I have caused my share of drama, and I know that I have not always been great at keeping in touch, and more than once I have not been the greatest friend to some. I'm in NO WAY an angel! Anyone who knows me, knows this is a FACT!
I am starting to learn that a REAL TRUE HONEST friend, will always be there when you call, pick you up when you fall, encourage you to do things even you don't think you can do, check on you often to see how you are and what's been going on, will listen to your feelings, and take out all the time needed to help you when times are tough for you. THOSE are the ones that you hold on to. I know I can count on one hand how many of those I have. Doesn't mean that I don't like my other friends to. I just have a hard time trusting people. I mean in reality I live in an army community and someone somewhere always seems to have something to say. Including me, I have had my own opinions of people around me as well. I AM HUMAN TOO!
I just don't want to loose the real ones that I have, and I need them to know that I am here for them just as much as they have been there for me too! I know there will come a time when we all leave Kansas and make new friends. It's those few people though that no matter what, will have a VERY close place in my heart, and those are the people that I will still talk to as often as possible. I will still listen to all their problems, it will just be harder than walking down the street. Finding people like that to have in your life is hard enough. You could spent the rest of your life looking for more people like that. So why not do your best to hold onto the ones that you have now?
Lately my brain just doesn't stop and I could go back and forth all day and night wondering how things messed up so bad, why I feel like I do, why I do the things I do, why people act the way they do, what in life i did to deserve some of the things I have had to go through, how I can fix certain things, what to say to certain people, and even what I wanna be when I grow up. My brain lately just keeps going and going and now I think it needs a shut off switch. Lucky for me they have prescribed me the lortab for my muscle and joint pain, to help me sleep. That stuff somewhat shuts my brain off. I lay and think for awhile, and then just passout. I know there are things that i will never know the answer to and, when I know how, I will deal with them one by one.
Being strong is not at all easy, and it's not something that I can do all the time, but when being strong is your only option, you learn to do it the best you can. No matter how you look at it, I am still a female, I still have emotions. I am still human and have feelings, and just because I come from a place where the girls hunt, fish, 4wheel, and drive trucks in mud, doesn't change that I am still a girl. I still hurt like any other girl would.... We all just deal with things differently.
People are quick to realize that girls (most def. the younger ones) think that they have to be the most beautiful thing on the outside. It's because of the magazines, and television that they think that way. It's not often that you can find someone that will tell you beauty is on the inside. Even if that's true, it seems like less and less people actually look for the inside beauty anymore. When you do find something about yourself that makes you a more confident person it seems like there is someone right behind you to crush it in some way.
I wish I knew all the answers to all my questions, and I wish more people would start being real and thinking from other peoples points of view. STOP HATING!
Lately, I have spent a lot of time asking myself a whole lot of questions that all go unanswered. Most people think a lot about their future and where they want to go in life. It wasn't that long ago, I thought I knew. However, that dream, that was a reality for a short time, is no longer there. So now things in my head make me wonder what I did to make it the way it is now, and how to deal with it seems harder than ever.
I know that I am not the only one that wonders what purpose it is they serve in this complicated world. I sort of thought that I had figured that out as well, but it's not so. SO now what. Basically when you get down to it all, you start to wonder where you wanna go and what you wanna do forever. When will you find what and who you are.
It's hard to not know who you are suppose to be. I know that I would rather have one person love me for who I really am, than have everyone love me for who I am not. At the same time, if you are to kind, you become a welcome mat very easily. If your to mean, no one likes you or pretends to, and that's no fun either. So where is the balance? No, I am not looking to please everyone. There are people that I KNOW use me, and I still answer the phone when they call. Knowing full well that they only want something. More times than not, I am actually alright with that,because in the end, I still helped someone and to me that gives me satisfaction in knowing that I made even a small difference. Other times, I wind up getting mad at my own self, wondering why it is I continue to do it, when I know that the out-come will never change. It's a lot like smashing your face into the nearest wall over and over again. You know how it's going to feel, and yet you keep doing it. Clearly not the smartest thing in the world.
Sometimes, it's harder than you think to find out who the REAL people in your life are. Sometimes, all it takes is needing a little help or a small event in life for people to show you their true colors. Other times it's a lot more complicated than that. Sometimes, it seems they just stop caring, replace you(because they really never cared in the first place), or were fake from the start. Either way is always going to be hurtful. It's only those that never really cared that it doesn't hurt. That seems to hurt the most. Thinking you were SO important to someone and then WHAM..... HAHA just kidding! REALLY?!?!
I have gotten really good at hiding how I feel about things, and hiding my emotions, but that doesn't mean that I don't have them. Doesn't mean that they are not there, and it doesn't mean that I am not always dealing with them. Fighting with them. I don't cry in front of people very often. I don't know why. I don't want people to feel obligated to try and help me...or think that they are this really awkward situation that makes them not know what to do I guess. On the other end, It doesn't bother me at all when people cry in front of me. I don't always know what to do about it, but usually instinct helps me know the things to say and the things to do. Aside from that, when I say it, i mean it. It wasn't something I said to make you stop crying or hurting. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that people are telling me what they really think, and just trying to make me shut the hell up already.
What I keep coming back to is that I have trust issues. Like everyone else, im tired of getting burned by people. There is really only 2 people that know the majority of things in my life and how I REALLY feel about them. Now when others ask, I don't lie to them, I just dance around it and smile, or change the subject. It's easier that way. To many people knowing all of me scares me. Because, what I was or did 2,3,4,5 years ago is not who I am now. Too many people are quick to judge. I am usually willing to share my stories when someone I know is going through something similar, but not just outta the blue. If that makes any sense.
Do you ever look at someone that you are friends with and wonder how "THIS" friendship will end? I do sometimes. Or look at them and wonder what they "WANT" from you? I do that too. No i don't sit around and plot how to end friendships. Just seems like so many come and go and you can't help but wonder if you just drift apart or if it'll be a grand departure with drama and all. I can't blame everyone for all this either. I know that I have caused my share of drama, and I know that I have not always been great at keeping in touch, and more than once I have not been the greatest friend to some. I'm in NO WAY an angel! Anyone who knows me, knows this is a FACT!
I am starting to learn that a REAL TRUE HONEST friend, will always be there when you call, pick you up when you fall, encourage you to do things even you don't think you can do, check on you often to see how you are and what's been going on, will listen to your feelings, and take out all the time needed to help you when times are tough for you. THOSE are the ones that you hold on to. I know I can count on one hand how many of those I have. Doesn't mean that I don't like my other friends to. I just have a hard time trusting people. I mean in reality I live in an army community and someone somewhere always seems to have something to say. Including me, I have had my own opinions of people around me as well. I AM HUMAN TOO!
I just don't want to loose the real ones that I have, and I need them to know that I am here for them just as much as they have been there for me too! I know there will come a time when we all leave Kansas and make new friends. It's those few people though that no matter what, will have a VERY close place in my heart, and those are the people that I will still talk to as often as possible. I will still listen to all their problems, it will just be harder than walking down the street. Finding people like that to have in your life is hard enough. You could spent the rest of your life looking for more people like that. So why not do your best to hold onto the ones that you have now?
Lately my brain just doesn't stop and I could go back and forth all day and night wondering how things messed up so bad, why I feel like I do, why I do the things I do, why people act the way they do, what in life i did to deserve some of the things I have had to go through, how I can fix certain things, what to say to certain people, and even what I wanna be when I grow up. My brain lately just keeps going and going and now I think it needs a shut off switch. Lucky for me they have prescribed me the lortab for my muscle and joint pain, to help me sleep. That stuff somewhat shuts my brain off. I lay and think for awhile, and then just passout. I know there are things that i will never know the answer to and, when I know how, I will deal with them one by one.
Being strong is not at all easy, and it's not something that I can do all the time, but when being strong is your only option, you learn to do it the best you can. No matter how you look at it, I am still a female, I still have emotions. I am still human and have feelings, and just because I come from a place where the girls hunt, fish, 4wheel, and drive trucks in mud, doesn't change that I am still a girl. I still hurt like any other girl would.... We all just deal with things differently.
People are quick to realize that girls (most def. the younger ones) think that they have to be the most beautiful thing on the outside. It's because of the magazines, and television that they think that way. It's not often that you can find someone that will tell you beauty is on the inside. Even if that's true, it seems like less and less people actually look for the inside beauty anymore. When you do find something about yourself that makes you a more confident person it seems like there is someone right behind you to crush it in some way.
I wish I knew all the answers to all my questions, and I wish more people would start being real and thinking from other peoples points of view. STOP HATING!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tests, Teeth, and one crabby MOMMA
Again, I realize that I am slacking in my Blogging duties. I have no excuse really, except I guess I feel my writing skills have fallen out of my head. Oh yeah, and I am irritable. I will get you all up to speed on why I am feeling that way, the minute that I figure it all out!
Starting from the first to the last thing, I will tell you that the tubes are a blessing. They have made Colton a much more tolerable 2 year old, which makes this family a whole lot smoother. His whining is much less, and he uses a whole lot more words everyday. Not even just the words thats are getting better, but all his skills. He eats a lot more (meaning instead of picking at a meal, he will sit down and just eat it), he plays more, and is less stuck to his momma. So all and all this is going well, and I hope that it stays that way for the sake of my sanity, and his ability to learn better.
As for me, I have an appointment with a rhuemetoligist on Tuesday in Abiline, but it's just like a consultation. The worst part is that depending on my case, it might take a little while to get it, because the Dr. is only in that office 2 times a month! So this is the only time I hope that a dr thinks I am in bad shape. Then I will be bumped to one of the earlier appointments. Least that is my understanding. In any case, my actual condition is not any better, but it's not any worse either. So I am just glad that it is not any worse though.
The next thing on this list is my tooth. So I had to get a whole new front tooth. We all know that I am not the most well put together person, more so my teeth are not in the best shape. This is also coming from the same person that broke her finger in a pillow fight. Yeah, that happened! So I was making faces at the boys through the glass screen door and one of them hit it. I didn't know it right away till I felt something on my lip, and caught it before it hit the ground. That was in fact a nice big chunk of my tooth. It was worse in the back then in front, but you could tell I was missing some. It was really a bummer. I went the whole weekend looking and feeling much like a hillbilly. I am lucky that I have great friends and family that assured me I could do many things to make it better, or let it be a blessing in disguise. I was told that I could use a white chicklet, use it as a straw holder, a smoke holder... or if I wanted to go more extreme, I could roll around everywhere with my music blaring and that way people thought I was a bad ass and not a hillbilly..... Either way I got lucky and the dentist was able to get me in on Monday so it's all better now. It does need a little more work, he didn't have a whole lot of time, but I will get back in there. The only thing wrong with it, is I am not sure that it is thick enough and needs some more on the back side.
Another test is the GED which I am taking tomorrow and friday..... I am nervous as can be, but hopefully luck is on my side. I am not sure when I will get my results in, they said about a week, but as for the holidays, I hope they still come in a week. The results come in the mail, so I hope that Fort Riley does not let me down and gets it here ASAP. Considering mail is a pretty important thing to most all of us here, they are usually pretty good at it. With that said, I need to go and rest my brain. it 1110 and I need to shower and be outta the house by 640 in the morning. This is going to be tough I know it. I will write more I hope tomorrow. GOOD NIGHT
Starting from the first to the last thing, I will tell you that the tubes are a blessing. They have made Colton a much more tolerable 2 year old, which makes this family a whole lot smoother. His whining is much less, and he uses a whole lot more words everyday. Not even just the words thats are getting better, but all his skills. He eats a lot more (meaning instead of picking at a meal, he will sit down and just eat it), he plays more, and is less stuck to his momma. So all and all this is going well, and I hope that it stays that way for the sake of my sanity, and his ability to learn better.
As for me, I have an appointment with a rhuemetoligist on Tuesday in Abiline, but it's just like a consultation. The worst part is that depending on my case, it might take a little while to get it, because the Dr. is only in that office 2 times a month! So this is the only time I hope that a dr thinks I am in bad shape. Then I will be bumped to one of the earlier appointments. Least that is my understanding. In any case, my actual condition is not any better, but it's not any worse either. So I am just glad that it is not any worse though.
The next thing on this list is my tooth. So I had to get a whole new front tooth. We all know that I am not the most well put together person, more so my teeth are not in the best shape. This is also coming from the same person that broke her finger in a pillow fight. Yeah, that happened! So I was making faces at the boys through the glass screen door and one of them hit it. I didn't know it right away till I felt something on my lip, and caught it before it hit the ground. That was in fact a nice big chunk of my tooth. It was worse in the back then in front, but you could tell I was missing some. It was really a bummer. I went the whole weekend looking and feeling much like a hillbilly. I am lucky that I have great friends and family that assured me I could do many things to make it better, or let it be a blessing in disguise. I was told that I could use a white chicklet, use it as a straw holder, a smoke holder... or if I wanted to go more extreme, I could roll around everywhere with my music blaring and that way people thought I was a bad ass and not a hillbilly..... Either way I got lucky and the dentist was able to get me in on Monday so it's all better now. It does need a little more work, he didn't have a whole lot of time, but I will get back in there. The only thing wrong with it, is I am not sure that it is thick enough and needs some more on the back side.
Another test is the GED which I am taking tomorrow and friday..... I am nervous as can be, but hopefully luck is on my side. I am not sure when I will get my results in, they said about a week, but as for the holidays, I hope they still come in a week. The results come in the mail, so I hope that Fort Riley does not let me down and gets it here ASAP. Considering mail is a pretty important thing to most all of us here, they are usually pretty good at it. With that said, I need to go and rest my brain. it 1110 and I need to shower and be outta the house by 640 in the morning. This is going to be tough I know it. I will write more I hope tomorrow. GOOD NIGHT
Monday, December 5, 2011
Holidays, tests & ear tubes! Oh my
It's only been FOREVER.... I don't even know where to start really. We have been working on preparing for Colton's tubes, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. I like the holiday season, but sometimes all this decorating, planning, shopping, and all those other little things get to be a lot.
Thanksgiving was the best it could be.... We rocked it army wife style. invited wives, and those that had their husbands here also participated. Which was nice, because they were in charge of the turkey. I don't do turkey, but I think that eventually I am going to have to learn how. Being in the Army you have to be prepared for spending a holiday alone. So I am going to have to get on that. We all worked together to make this the best that it could be. The turkey.... well that's a whole story in itself, and I am just going to do a quick catch up. In any case, there wasn't really any in the end. However, there was football, plenty of food, good conversation, and a lot of laughing all in all. We always seem to know how to make the best of any situation, no matter what. This is one of the many reasons I love my girls here.
As for Christmas, I have gotten as far as getting the tree up, and some lights in the house. That's about all the decorating that i think that I will be doing this year, but we normally don't go all out anyways. As for shopping.... What do you get for 2 little boys that have everything? Ik now right?!?! That's something that I really need to think about...... UGH. With that said, I have yet to shop :(
I have taken and passed my GED practice test, and so NOW i get to try and get in for the actual test. I know the practice seemed easy and I can actually score lower on the real test than than I could on the practice... but that doesn't change the fact that I am still nervous, and I DO NOT LIKE TAKING TESTS!!! I was never good at them. So for 85.00 dollars, I hope I GOT THIS!!!!
Colton got his tubes today, and will have his first session with speech therapy tomorrow. He had been doing the speech thing for a long time now, but not while he could actually hear. Hopefully we can finally get somewhere. I know that someday I am going to wonder why I was so anxious for him to talk, but I know that I can't keep him a baby forever. He is at a point now where he is just falling behind, and he is frustrated all the time because he can't get what he wants to be known. I am good at understanding him most of the time, but I can't be his interpreter forever.
SOOOOO last night after midnight, I had to cut off all foods and liquids. Food was easy. I don't know anyone that feeds their kids after midnight. Obviously breakfast, but we had to be at the hospital early so I knew he wouldn't even care to miss that as his day was going to be a long one. however the whole "no sippy after midnight" was a slight bump in the road... He got up one time to ask me for it, and I had to lay with him and tell him no like 80 million times, but then he was out. SO I went back to bed, but then he got up again. After about 5 minutes of crying, he gave up and went back to bed.
6 am came pretty quickly as one would expect it too. I got up and showered and got everything ready. Thanks to a great friend Dallas had a sleep over. So that was one less thing to worry about. Woke Colton up and we were at the hospital at 715. They got him all dressed in their clothes and got his vitals. The ent dr doing the surgery came in and talked to Colton and I, which I thought was great. He was willing to answer any last minute questions and make sure we were both alright with the process ahead.
They gave him a liquid anesthetic,which after about 5 minutes was absolutely hilarious. He was trying to laugh and you could just tell he was numb. I recorded some. Finally about 830 his time came. They wheeled him down in his crib and he barely cared that I was not holding him. He finally gave up like half way down the hall and put his head down and enjoyed the ride. Literally 10-15 minutes after bein in the waiting room, the dr came to tell me he was done. I know it was a short time, but I can't even tell you if I was breathing that whole time. It felt like forever.
I went back to see him. Wow what 10 minutes can do. He was really pissed off at this point. He didn't know what he wanted. He wouldn't sit with me but couldn't walk because he was still loopy. Didn't really want to get down anyways. He just really had no idea what he wanted. That lasted about 45 minutes. They brought us back to where we started. Him and I watched cartoons and waited. They kept him an hour after that and kept checking his oxygen levels.
They finally released us, and he was ready. But still crabby. So he didn't wanna change out of his hospital clothes. He finally got over it and I don't ever want to go through that phase again. Lol. Poor guy. He was loopy all the way home. Head bobbing and just not there. I took him to bk for lucy. He ate that plus half mine. And rested for a long while before we went to pick up Dallas. Aside from that his eating has improved tremendously Usually he just eats a little (more like picks) and then he is done. Now he eats what's put in front of him. It's like he's never tasted it before. Which might actually be true.
This morning instead of screaming for 15 minutes while I rolled outta bed and got to him. He just cried a little to let me know. When I told him I was coming he just stopped and waited. He didn't follow me around and whine at me all morning like normal. And instead of hanging on me, he played all morning with Dallas. It's been great. He was saying things last night he has never even tried to say before.
All in all he is a much happier, smiley, laughing child. I know this is a whole year later and I feel as if I missed a whole year of his life. But it's over now. Hopefully. I mean he could need more down the road but at Learst the process won't be as long.
Now it's time to get ready for his speech therapist to come and let her see how amazing it's been just over night. ;)
Thanksgiving was the best it could be.... We rocked it army wife style. invited wives, and those that had their husbands here also participated. Which was nice, because they were in charge of the turkey. I don't do turkey, but I think that eventually I am going to have to learn how. Being in the Army you have to be prepared for spending a holiday alone. So I am going to have to get on that. We all worked together to make this the best that it could be. The turkey.... well that's a whole story in itself, and I am just going to do a quick catch up. In any case, there wasn't really any in the end. However, there was football, plenty of food, good conversation, and a lot of laughing all in all. We always seem to know how to make the best of any situation, no matter what. This is one of the many reasons I love my girls here.
As for Christmas, I have gotten as far as getting the tree up, and some lights in the house. That's about all the decorating that i think that I will be doing this year, but we normally don't go all out anyways. As for shopping.... What do you get for 2 little boys that have everything? Ik now right?!?! That's something that I really need to think about...... UGH. With that said, I have yet to shop :(
I have taken and passed my GED practice test, and so NOW i get to try and get in for the actual test. I know the practice seemed easy and I can actually score lower on the real test than than I could on the practice... but that doesn't change the fact that I am still nervous, and I DO NOT LIKE TAKING TESTS!!! I was never good at them. So for 85.00 dollars, I hope I GOT THIS!!!!
Colton got his tubes today, and will have his first session with speech therapy tomorrow. He had been doing the speech thing for a long time now, but not while he could actually hear. Hopefully we can finally get somewhere. I know that someday I am going to wonder why I was so anxious for him to talk, but I know that I can't keep him a baby forever. He is at a point now where he is just falling behind, and he is frustrated all the time because he can't get what he wants to be known. I am good at understanding him most of the time, but I can't be his interpreter forever.
SOOOOO last night after midnight, I had to cut off all foods and liquids. Food was easy. I don't know anyone that feeds their kids after midnight. Obviously breakfast, but we had to be at the hospital early so I knew he wouldn't even care to miss that as his day was going to be a long one. however the whole "no sippy after midnight" was a slight bump in the road... He got up one time to ask me for it, and I had to lay with him and tell him no like 80 million times, but then he was out. SO I went back to bed, but then he got up again. After about 5 minutes of crying, he gave up and went back to bed.
6 am came pretty quickly as one would expect it too. I got up and showered and got everything ready. Thanks to a great friend Dallas had a sleep over. So that was one less thing to worry about. Woke Colton up and we were at the hospital at 715. They got him all dressed in their clothes and got his vitals. The ent dr doing the surgery came in and talked to Colton and I, which I thought was great. He was willing to answer any last minute questions and make sure we were both alright with the process ahead.
They gave him a liquid anesthetic,which after about 5 minutes was absolutely hilarious. He was trying to laugh and you could just tell he was numb. I recorded some. Finally about 830 his time came. They wheeled him down in his crib and he barely cared that I was not holding him. He finally gave up like half way down the hall and put his head down and enjoyed the ride. Literally 10-15 minutes after bein in the waiting room, the dr came to tell me he was done. I know it was a short time, but I can't even tell you if I was breathing that whole time. It felt like forever.
I went back to see him. Wow what 10 minutes can do. He was really pissed off at this point. He didn't know what he wanted. He wouldn't sit with me but couldn't walk because he was still loopy. Didn't really want to get down anyways. He just really had no idea what he wanted. That lasted about 45 minutes. They brought us back to where we started. Him and I watched cartoons and waited. They kept him an hour after that and kept checking his oxygen levels.
They finally released us, and he was ready. But still crabby. So he didn't wanna change out of his hospital clothes. He finally got over it and I don't ever want to go through that phase again. Lol. Poor guy. He was loopy all the way home. Head bobbing and just not there. I took him to bk for lucy. He ate that plus half mine. And rested for a long while before we went to pick up Dallas. Aside from that his eating has improved tremendously Usually he just eats a little (more like picks) and then he is done. Now he eats what's put in front of him. It's like he's never tasted it before. Which might actually be true.
This morning instead of screaming for 15 minutes while I rolled outta bed and got to him. He just cried a little to let me know. When I told him I was coming he just stopped and waited. He didn't follow me around and whine at me all morning like normal. And instead of hanging on me, he played all morning with Dallas. It's been great. He was saying things last night he has never even tried to say before.
All in all he is a much happier, smiley, laughing child. I know this is a whole year later and I feel as if I missed a whole year of his life. But it's over now. Hopefully. I mean he could need more down the road but at Learst the process won't be as long.
Now it's time to get ready for his speech therapist to come and let her see how amazing it's been just over night. ;)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)